I just realized I am quite scared of what things are going to be like come Quit day on Wednesday. I have been focusing all this week on ways to cut back my smoking and haven't really put a lot of thought into that I am going to be done with smoking in a few short days.
I haven't really been having a lot of cravings for smokes even now. I have continued smoking more because I still can than from any desire to do so. But... I realize in some ways I am going to really miss being a smoker. It is like letting go of that mean nasty boyfriend you know you should have left years ago but you stick around because you love them even though you know they won't change.
Cigarettes are bad for me. I know this to the very core of my being. I know I don't want to smoke anymore, but I am afraid of Wednesday coming and waking up for the first time in 25 years without a cigarette. I have only quit once before and that was years and years ago. It lasted all of about a week and I vaguely remember I cheated as well. I don't think I ever really stuck it in my head that time that I was going to quit. It was an agreement made with my sister that I don't think either of us even planed to follow through on.
I am going to follow through this time. Just writing that scares me. But I am. I kind of feel like crying just thinking about this... so off I go to bed to dream of an old friend that has to go away very soon forever.
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2 comments:
I think it's great you looking to cut back, but don't stress out about it. Trust me, it'll come naturally. The less you stress out about it, the easier it'll come. Might focus on sticking to the routine of taking Chantix now, and more of positive motivational thinking! :)
I understand 100%. It's not just quitting smoking, it's basically shutting the door on a best friend (one that secretly feeds us poison - nice friend, huh?) and also on a large part of ourselves. Part of my definition of me included the word "smoker." And I didn't always hate that because I did *love* smoking. I did. Hell, I probably still do, but I just won't do it because I will love being able to laugh without coughing even more. Anyway, yes, it's a big leap from cutting back to having none, but the less I think about that aspect and focus more on my end goals the easier it is. So I try to just remind myself that I'm not a smoker and try not to spend much time looking back back. That's just what's working for me. I totally get what you mean, though. It's a big step.
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