Friday, June 29, 2007

The Gym!

Right when I got off work today I decided to head to the Y. I got there at 3:15 and spent just over 3 hours there; did about 30 min of cardio, some strength training and swam a bunch of laps. Not all of it working out mind you I also spent some time in the sauna.

I feel really good right now and I think I may want to move into the gym. I swear I didn't think about smoking the entire time I was there. Getting into my car after was a bit tough. Again that sense of having accomplished something made it hard to not smoke. Let me tell you that definetly sucks. I need to figure out something nice to do for myself every time I finish something... transition times between things also seem tough for me.

So any ideas? It seems most of the ideas on things to do to fight cravings involve something that will simply create another transition.. or accomplish something. I am already drinking water... hrmm..

Day 9 - I Made it through Day 1

For the first time in 24 years I have made it through an entire day without smoking a single cigarette if I didn't know it was true... I would assume I was lying.

I am awed that I was able to do it. I am not even entirely sure you could call those times when I feel like smoking cravings. It is more like this weird feeling that I am missing or forgetting something. Like when I left for work this morning. It is also really strange to not check to make sure I have smokes and a lighter before leaving the house. To not have them in my purse.

I am sure that things could potentially get much much harder but to be honest right now I seriously could not be happier. Everytime I think I want to smoke now I can just remind myself that I really can go a full day without smoking.. that I am indeed not going to DIE... if I don't have a cigarette..................... and that in fact if I do have one I have only made myself that much more unhealthy and that much closer to death.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Check-In Day 8!! Quit Day

And still not smoking. I picked up my house a bit just now and when I finished had a pretty intense craving for a smoke but I grabbed my trusty bottle of water, my chewed up favorite straw and sat to type this instead. I imagine for the next couple days I will be writing a lot of very short check-in type posts. These are mostly just to do something else for those few minutes when the cravings are there.

QUIT DAY!! Chantix Day 8 - Lunch Break

And yes I did go out last night and I smoked more than I had all week. I stayed up too late... (4:30am) and got up to late at like 8:05. I was determined however to take a shower and get the bar stench off me, grab myself my new box of Chantix and breakfast stuff and somehow make it to work by 8:30 and still stop for coffee (bout a 7 min drive plus 2 min in line for coffee). Well my determination hit a big fat road block. What the hell did I do with my KEYS... they don't seem to be in my purse GAH!!!

I searched the entire house for like 15 minutes and called work to let them know I would be late. After my frantic search throughout the house I dumped my purse and there they were.

SO.... I get in the car... Drive straight to work with no coffee... Walk in late for the all staff and students Community Meeting... sit down and realize... I made it through one of the most stressful, tired mornings I have had in a long time without a smoke.. I don't even think the idea of smoking occurred to me until I sat down at work. Then I admit I wanted one REALLY badly. But of course I don't have any and the craving did indeed pass...

Yay for Chantix I couldn't do it without you!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I will not be mislead..

After much thought I have decided I am indeed going to go out again tonight and enjoy my last evening of smoking. I will say goodbye for now to my favorite bar. I am not going to buy a last pack but will instead go with Maggie's idea and simply bum smokes from people. I have given out enough there to where I figure my friends owe me. I will also tell each and every one of them to never give me another smoke after tonight.

That last part was added due to my once again quite devious addict mind. As I was driving home thinking about what to do with my evening the thought occured to me that I could quit buying smokes today but allow myself to bum smokes from people for another week. I can sense the little nico-demon trying in vain to figure out some way out of what my rational intellegent mind has already decided is my course of action. I will not be mislead by that other little evil voice trying to let me smoke for just a bit longer.

Day 7 Chantix!!

Tomorrow is Quit Day!!!

I had 1/2 a smoke before getting in my car this morning. Suprising I didn't wake up late or anything... Maybe that is because I actually slept? Interesting eh!! Hehe....

Smoked a whole cigarette during my lunch break (1/2 at beg. other 1/2 before heading back to work). Not sure what I should do at this point as I only have 1 smoke left... Today is my last day of smoking do I go buy another pack and smoke as much as I can or just smoke the one I have left and quit now. I know how devious my mind can be and I worry that if I actually quit today my mind will figure out someway to convince itself in the next week that I get a freebie day since I quit a day early.... I already here that thought in my mind.. so I know it will come.

Doing quite well though and really enjoying reading everyones blogs and the forums and what not. It really helps to read about how other people are doing with their quits... both the good and the bad. It is so helpful to know I am not alone and it gives me something to do with my time while I am not smoking.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Had to sleep sometime..

Well the nap didn't happen this afternoon but I did take Maggie's advice and picked up some granola bars and bananas to eat with my pills. I got home ate took the pills, tried to pick up my house after the debauchery of last night and then smoked my first cigarette of the day.

So my lack of sleep last night ended up definitely being bad as I forgot I had CPR training at work today and of course they have changed it to where you have to do nearly 10 minutes of actual compressions. That is hard work especially when you haven't slept and are in the middle of quitting smoking. And the CPR trainer apparently didn't read my blog... she kept us there far longer than was necessary or wise.

I finally got home at like 4 having still smoked only one cig, a friend called and I went to pick up her up from work and didn't get around to my 2nd smoke until nearly 5.

Got myself some food because I was fairly hungry but only ate like half of it had smoke #3. I decided a nap sounded just plain necessary but didn't wake up till 10 pm. Not having the energy to really make or find a full meal I ate a granola bar and what was left of my sandwich, took my pill and had my 4th smoke. Now it is after 11. I am thinking I will have yet another cig and go to bed..

for a Grand Total of 5 cigarettes all day.

I don't really feel like I need to smoke before bed so why am I doing it? Just because I still can?? That is where my thought process is now. I think I am really gonna need to work on that whole one hour/day at a time thing come Thursday. I am a bit scared. It all feels so easy right now but I know a big part of that is because I know that I can smoke before I go to bed if I want. All I am really doing right now is putting off the smoke not telling myself I can't smoke again. It is a different mind set and I know it. Not sure my mind can be so easily tricked into just doing the one day at a time thing. I know better... I have committed myself to not smoking again ever and yet I can't quite wrap my brain around that thought and I am scared that when the day comes that I can't smoke again I will go into total panic mode. Kind of like when you realize you have ran out of smokes and suddenly there is nothing more important in the world than having one. For me in those moments I would swear I am willing to do anything for a single cigarette

And I am rambling I know what I am trying to say but the words aren't quite following so I will stop now maybe tomorrow these thoughts will be clearer. Off to smoke a pointless cig and go to bed.

Not getting easier...

My first few days on the Chantix seemed a bit easier than the last 2 which seems just wrong as my dosage was upped for the last 2 days. Odd yes??

Of course I am sure the whole spending time in the bar was more to blame than anything else but I spent the 2nd night I was on it in the bar and was fine. Ohh well I am also still just as determined to quit. My actual quit day is fast approaching... 2 more days till Q-Day!! and I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't had a smoke or my Chantix yet this morning because... can you all already guess??

That is right... I was late waking up again... actually can barely say that as I actually went to bed only a couple short hours ago. I was still up at 6:15 and I knew I wasn't going to be able to actually get enough sleep so plan was to simply lay down on my couch and doze until my alarm went off which I of course didn't hear because it is in my bedroom. Fortunatly it increases in sound if you don't turn it off so it eventually got my attention. But the late wake up meant... no food to eat with my Chantix and no time to have a smoke before hopping in my car and driving to work. I told myself I would smoke when I got to work but it appears that I didn't grab any fire of any kind and removed all of them from my car when I cleaned it out. Of course it appears that last nights Chantix is still working as I don't feel like hurting anyone at work right now. I just have that slight gnawing in my mind saying I should have grabbed a lighter.

So.. the new plan is to head to the store when I go to lunch at 10 ish buy some food. Head home eat said food, take the Chantix, have a smoke and then attempt to nap until noon when I have to attend the lame yearly CPR/First Aid training I am required to do. The lovely CPR trainer would be wise to just give me the stupid multiple choice test let me get my yearly 100% and send me home to sleep.

Monday, June 25, 2007

My Friends...

Driving home from work today I realized that literally all of the people who I actually like and spend time with are smokers. What does that say about me and my friends that I can not think of a single person that doesn't smoke. I always used to joke around and say things like I am going to go smoke cause that is what all the cool people do. Don't get me wrong, I know smoking is not cool. I have known that for a very long time now. But apparently all of "the cool people" are doing it... at least in my circle.

I am sure it was the junkie brain that caused me to come to this realization but that doesn't make it any less true. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and I can seriously only think of one that doesn't smoke (she just quit but isn't around much anymore) and maybe a couple others but they don't live here anymore. Everyone who lives in this town that I spend time with or am friends with smokes. And not just a little bit.. these are avid smokers like me who enjoy smoking.

One friend of mine offered to quit with me today. We shall see....

Triggers and Fears

I am trying to get down as much of this information I have been writing in my personal journal on here as I can. So what are my triggers really? Sometimes it seems like my life is just one big smoking trigger, it is not like I ever really needed a reason to smoke. What I have always been needing is a reason not to smoke. But in really looking at my smoking there are certainly some things (okay many things) that make me want to smoke more than others... in no particular order they would be...
  • Bored
  • Driving
  • After Meals
  • At the Bar
  • On the Phone
  • Reward - After completed task like cleaning the house etc.
  • Relaxing - On computer or after work etc.
  • Strong Emotions - esp when I am angry/frustrated or tense from work.
  • Playing Cards
  • Other Smokers
It was also suggested that I think about what I am afraid of when it comes to quitting.. there are so many things there though and they are all pretty deep seated and hard to figure out.. I just know they can get overwhelming. I have a feeling most of my posts are going to basically come down to what my fears are. The biggest one though... is that I will fail. That by trying to quit I open myself up to failing to quit and I can't explain or rationalize that away. I can't allow myself to fail in this.

I admit there is also a small fear that quitting smoking won't make a difference and I won't feel any better but I am fairly certain that is just my evil little addictive nicodemon talking. It is trying really hard to cling on for dear life... and it is really past time for it to die already.

My Reasons for Quitting

So I am supposed to list out my reasons for quitting and doing so is supposed to somehow help me stay committed to doing this. The reasons seem rather obvious and I would imagine most of deciding to quit smoking are doing so for basically the same reasons. I doubt that there are many of us who are quitting "just because". So... lets see... I will try to post them in a somewhat numbered list though really all my reasons are equally important in there own ways and certainly tied in together. What it really comes down to is that I don't want to be a smoker anymore.

  1. My Health - This one is a no brainer. Smoking is bad for me. I am out of shape, I can't breathe, I hack up a lung every morning. I want to have more energy and be able to smell and taste my food. My grandmother died of lung cancer and my mother has emphysema. That should be reason enough to convince anyone to stop smoking.
  2. My Skin - While this may seem like the same issue for me it is in a way a separate one. I have a skin condition that is exacerbated by smoking. Not to mention that smoking ages your skin. I am 35 and right now I still look younger than my years but I can see that changing everyday when I look in the mirror.
  3. My Appearance/Smell - I never claimed I wasn't vain in some ways. I want to look and smell good. I want my teeth to be white and my hands and nails to not be yellow. I want to exercise more so I can get rid of this little pooch my tummy has developed and being a smoker keeps me from regularly exercising. I don't want to look 50 when I am 40; I want to look 30.
  4. My Money - I am poor. I don't mean kinda poor, I mean I really don't have the money to continue smoking anymore. I am at a point where I needed to decide if I wanted to continue smoking or continue eating. I am thinking food may be more important.
  5. My Family - I made a promise long ago to my son who is now 18 that I would quit smoking. I broke that promise and I have never forgiven myself. I don't want to be that person. I care about my family and friends as well and don't want to continue exposing them to my smoking. Every time I smoke near my mother I am killing her due to her emphysema.
  6. My Life - I need to make a POSITIVE CHANGE in my life and now is the time to do that. I can't keep going on the way I am and expecting to eventually find happiness. If I haven't found it yet doing things the way I have been doing them, then I need to face that it isn't going to happen till I do something different. Quitting smoking has become for me that something as it will change nearly every aspect of my life.

To Bar or Not to Bar.....

Believe me I fully understand just how tied together drinking and smoking are. And I know that the biggest danger to my quit is going to be spending anytime at all in a smoky bar.

Honestly it isn't even a drinking thing for me. It is the bar scene itself. I have never been a big drinker and often times I just drink water all night at the bar because I can't afford the drinks. I worry that I will become totally anti-social if I don't go to the bar at least occasionally.

I don't really talk to anyone I work with pretty much the only socializing I do regularly is with my friends at the bar. I am single, I live alone etc.... I know sad isn't it. My sister is trying to convince me to look for local clubs etc but that just sounds dull to me. I can't think that I would have anything really in common with a bunch of people who like spending there time in that way.

I am supposed to go camping over 4th of July but I am thinking that may be quite the set-up for myself as well. Sitting around a campfire.. doing??? What is it you do around a campfire at night if you are not smoking, drinking and playing cards?? Ideas??

Gah...

So I woke up this morning (late as always) and realized I had not bought anything to eat for breakfast this morning. Since I am not smoking in my car anymore I toke like 2 quick puffs before getting into the car to drive to work (no time for anything more than that). Because of the construction happening here at my work I can not use our back door to get to the only area I can use to smoke so... no smoking and no pill for me this morning. Wasn't able to get out of here until 10 to run to the store and grab a bagel and a banana so that I can take my pill. Of course I forgot that we also have no toaster here right now due to the construction which means un-toasted bagel for breakfast.

As a side note the pounding and sawing and other lovely construction noises are not putting me in the best of moods. I also just realized that I had planned on taking a week off from work after the 1st of July. Now I won't be smoking during that vacation. I am actually tempted to stay at work because it is a lot easier to not smoke here than it is sitting around at home all day for a week. I don't have the money right now to take an actual vacation. Problem is if I don't use the time then I basically will lose a whole week of vacation since I have to use it by the 1st of Sept and various other co-workers have already requested all the other days between now an then.

Quick Bedtime thought

I just realized I am quite scared of what things are going to be like come Quit day on Wednesday. I have been focusing all this week on ways to cut back my smoking and haven't really put a lot of thought into that I am going to be done with smoking in a few short days.

I haven't really been having a lot of cravings for smokes even now. I have continued smoking more because I still can than from any desire to do so. But... I realize in some ways I am going to really miss being a smoker. It is like letting go of that mean nasty boyfriend you know you should have left years ago but you stick around because you love them even though you know they won't change.

Cigarettes are bad for me. I know this to the very core of my being. I know I don't want to smoke anymore, but I am afraid of Wednesday coming and waking up for the first time in 25 years without a cigarette. I have only quit once before and that was years and years ago. It lasted all of about a week and I vaguely remember I cheated as well. I don't think I ever really stuck it in my head that time that I was going to quit. It was an agreement made with my sister that I don't think either of us even planed to follow through on.

I am going to follow through this time. Just writing that scares me. But I am. I kind of feel like crying just thinking about this... so off I go to bed to dream of an old friend that has to go away very soon forever.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Morning Day 4

Went out again last night and didn't smoke much at all. I told all the people I know in the bar including my favorite bartenders that I am quitting. The word is out this time and my friends won't let me live it down if I go back on my word to myself. I know I am going to have to stay home for a while or at least only go to smoke free bars but I am hoping that won't last long. I enjoy spending time with my friends and playing pool.

Yesterday I was thinking about what I am going to do with my cig roller boobah... It is one of the expensive cig makers. I have been making my own for years now. I know the right thing to do is to give it away but of course once I do that there is no going back to smoking ever. I know that is my plan anyways but wow... Once that little $50 machine is gone there will be no going back. There was this little voice in my head saying.. give it to someone you know will give it back if you need it. But I won't ever need it again and caving to that little voice would be like a defeat before I even get started. I wonder if I should throw a going away party for it??

Feeling pretty damn good this morning. Woke up at like 11:45 and ate some food and toke my pill. Didn't have my first smoke till just after 1. Was watching ER and I thought about the smoke but didn't really feel like getting off my couch to go outside and smoke it. Now that is new.... apparently the smoke meant less to me than my laziness. Normally I can be convinced to get out of bed in the middle of the night to have a smoke. When I did finally get up and smoke it was only 1/2 a cig. Told myself I was going to smoke another when my son got back with my coffee but instead I am now sitting here typing. This Chantix stuff really does curb the cravings, I still think about smoking but I can already tell that it doesn't pull me the way it used to. And this is only Day 4 and I haven't taken a 2nd pill yet.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

And on to the Morning Day 3...

Woke up super late today (possibly because I was up till 3 am). My friend from out of town stayed over and wanted to go to breakfast so I delayed taking my little pill till we got there putting it at about noon. Didn't smoke till after we ate breakfast. Was thinking I wouldn't smoke much at all today given the way that cigarrette tasted.

Then I get back to the house and for whatever bizarre reason the ex calls me. Mind you I haven't talked to him in nearly 6 months (we were together 15 years). The second I see his name pop up on my phone I felt an overwhelming desire to light up and in the 40 minutes we were on the phone I smoked 2 more. Should have told him not to call again for at least a couple months..

The phone is defiently one of those smoking related activities for me and him calling at all seriously stresses me out.. apparently phone + stress = craving

Since hanging up I haven't smoked but damn... guess I found another trouble spot.. time to cut up more fake cigarretes out of straws.

Amazing!!

So... my plan was originally to stay away from the bars until I was a full fledged non-smoker. Then I get a call from an old friend last night who is in town for the weekend from Seatlle and wants to get together and have a couple drinks/play some pool. I thought about it for all of 1 minute and decided what the hell... I don't actually want to forego doing things I find enjoyable and I am still in my first week of Chantix, might as well check it out now and see how hard it may prove to be.

We of course decide to go to my favorite local bar which also happens to be the most smoke filled bar I have ever been to. When you open the door there the waft of smoke that hits you is enough to make any non-smoker nearly yack on the spot. Anyhow during a normal night of drinking and playing pool I will probably smoke every 10-20 min or so making for on average nearly a full pack everytime I walk into the place. Last night I spent about 4 hours in there and only smoked 3. I admit I was at times intentionally choosing not to smoke but... I actually didn't even think much about it. I don't know if this little pill actually is a "miracle drug" or if I have simply convinced myself that it is but... either way I think I am in love with Chantix right now. I do have occasional upset tummy stuff but I pretty much always have due to my horrible diet so that is nothing new for me.

I LOVE Chantix!!!!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Cleaned the Car

Decided I am going to stop smoking in my car now as I know this will be the toughest smoke to get rid of so might as well deal with that now while I can at least still smoke (less stressful hehe). I pretty much always light up as soon as I get in my car. It is also where I always have my first smoke of the day (in the morning on my way to work). I figure for the rest of this week if I really feel a need to smoke while driving I will force myself to actually pull over and get out of the car.

So... I scrubbed the car more thouroughly than ever, removed the ashtray (it is in the trunk now), scented the car and what not and am placing a NO SMOKING sign on my glove box so me and everyone else can see it.

My plan is to carry water in the car at all times, I have cut up a bunch of straws to chew on and I suppose keeping gum handy... talking on my cell while driving and maybe singing a lot in the car hehe...

My Work...

Just as a little add.. I am a teacher in a residential treatment program for teens (13-18). The kids who attend the school are sentenced to our program by the Juvenile Justice System. Needless to say many of the kids have serious issues with drugs and most of them were smokers before they came here. They are not allowed to smoke in the program and for many the smell of smoke is a serious trigger. I have always felt bad about working here and the hypocrisy of me being a smoker. I know I can excuse it with the whole I am of legal age to smoke and they are not thing.. but frankly that has never cut it for me. I do my best to never allow the kids to see me smoking and to erase any traces of it before I head to my classroom; when driving to work if their van is within site of my car I will immediately get rid of my cig so none of them see me smoking but obviously many of them know I am a smoker (they can smell it etc.).

Which brings me to why I made this post, this morning after taking my pill I lit up a smoke in the car and had maybe 4 drags before I saw the boys van pulling out behind me. Thus the reason for getting rid of my first morning smoke.

Last Night... This Morning

Well I was so encouraged by how I was feeling about smoking during the day yesterday but...

Last night I was right back to wanting the same number of smokes as usual, of course it was only my first day of taking Chantix so. Think taking the evening pill will help a lot, I am definetly ready to be a non-smoker.

Dreams weren't really odd at all last night but again guess we shall see. I don't think there was any of the drug left in my system by the time I went to bed after 1 am, but didn't have any more problems sleeping than I usual do which is to say I am a serious insominac as it is.

This morning I got up late as usual, threw on the first set of clothing I found on my floor, put a crossiant with ham & swiss in the microwave, made myself a few smokes grabbed a bottle of water and a bananna and headed out the door.

I ate my crossiant and drank my water so I could take my pill while driving to get my coffee... immediately after taking the pill I smoked my first cig (had to get rid of it part way to work due to work related reasons I will explain later), got my coffee and went to work. So far this morning I have only had not quite 1 full smoke all together (this isn't that unusual for me really as it is quite difficult to smoke at work)

That particular smoke didn't make me feel sick like the one yesterday after taking the pill did and neither did the one I smoked bout 40 min ago. I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach right now but it is hard to say whether that is from Chantix or just my usual slight nausea.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Hrmmm..

Just stepped outside real quick to have a smoke, I almost felt ripped off. I wasn't expecting one pill to have any effect at all but that first initial drag didn't really do anything for me and now I seem to be feeling a bit sick to my stomach and generally yucky again and those feelings had subsided from when I took the pill.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to quit but I was expecting to be able to enjoy smoking for the rest of this week at the least. So much for that expectation I don't see myself having many more smokes this week... but we shall see.

Cautiously optimistic..

First Pill Down... Yay!!

So back from lunch break having taken my first Chantix pill, not sure if it is all in my head or what but I am not feeling quite right. A bit dizzy and disoriented, felt a little nasuea right when I took it even though I did eat something. As my sister pointed out to me the eating alone may help me become more healthy which is my main reason for quitting smoking.

I have been a smoker for a very long time, going on 23 years now but I actually don't smoke a lot, I wonder if maybe that would account for how odd I feel right now. I didn't notice many others mentioning feeling like this but haven't read everything there is to read.

Got em yesterday...

So... spent the $139 I didn't really have to buy Chantix yesterday. I got the prescription over 2 months ago and finally got up the courage to just do it. My sisters husband quit smoking and the Chantix after just 3 weeks and I admit I am kinda hoping for similar results as I really can't afford to take this stuff for 3 months or more.

Was planning to start it first thing this morning but after reading last night about the serious need to eat food with it and realizing I have no food at all in my house I am delaying till I go on my lunch break and can get some food. The need to eat in the morning in order to take this is in itself going to be a major lifestyle change. For years the only breakfast I have ever known was my cup of coffee and cig on the way to work.

So.. exactly how much do you suppose I am going to have to eat in order to not get nausea?? Thing is I have some tendency towards an upset stomach anyhow... nerves or something I guess.

Break in 30 min and I plan to go by the store, buy a bananna, take said bannana home put it in my blender with some yogurt and milk and this JuicePlus stuff my mom got me years ago and call that a meal. If I get sick after taking it I suppose I can eat more food.

Also plan to try using my gym membership that I have been paying for the last year while barely using. Figure this will keep me busy. Suppose I will also have to stay away from the local bar I play pool at for a bit as it is the smokiest place on planet earth I believe.. (well minus that glass room at the Heathrow Airport maybe)