Friday, August 10, 2007
Camping Weekend
Sorry to show up and then disappear yet again but I am off to go camping again this weekend.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I am Alive...
Just really busy and have so much to write that I feel like I have no time to write it all if that makes any sense at all.
I hurt my back last week (no idea how I hurt it just pinched a nerve while I was sleeping or something) so wasn't able to really sit at the computer at all and certainly wasn't going to go to work. My Doc gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxant and I basically spent most of the whole week laying on my couch and moaning. I can't take pain pills of any kind really as they all seem to make me sick to my stomach so it was mostly just a taking it easy and hoping it would eventually feel better. I tried to make an appointment with a local chiropractor but apparently they were all booked up for weeks in advance. Lot of good they are for someone who is actually really hurting.
Fortunately the taking it easy and muscle relaxants apparently did the trick as I do feel better though I still can't really sit in my work chair for more than an hour or so without it starting to hurt a bit.
Anyhow will try and write more at home about my actual non-smoking journey of the last week :)
I hurt my back last week (no idea how I hurt it just pinched a nerve while I was sleeping or something) so wasn't able to really sit at the computer at all and certainly wasn't going to go to work. My Doc gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxant and I basically spent most of the whole week laying on my couch and moaning. I can't take pain pills of any kind really as they all seem to make me sick to my stomach so it was mostly just a taking it easy and hoping it would eventually feel better. I tried to make an appointment with a local chiropractor but apparently they were all booked up for weeks in advance. Lot of good they are for someone who is actually really hurting.
Fortunately the taking it easy and muscle relaxants apparently did the trick as I do feel better though I still can't really sit in my work chair for more than an hour or so without it starting to hurt a bit.
Anyhow will try and write more at home about my actual non-smoking journey of the last week :)
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Celebration!!! First Month as a Non-Smoker
Yup it has officially been a full month since I last lit a cigarette. I am truly amazed that I made it through and I really do think the toughest part must be behind me now (right?)!!
I decided against taking the Chantix before going sailing. I was somewhat concerned that after not taking it for a bit maybe it would make me feel nauseous or something and I wanted to actually enjoy myself. After a bit of thought I have decided to not start taking the Chantix again at all unless something goes horribly wrong. I don't feel any more or less depressed from not taking the Chantix so despite what others have written I think for me the anxiety/depression is definitely related to the quit not the Chantix. I know for sure it made it easier for me to quit in the beginning but at this point I am not feeling any greater urges without the Chantix than I was with it. Of course I have always been a non-believer when it comes to medication and have always wondered how much of any pills effects are from the pill itself and how much are from our willingness to believe something "is working". Don’t get me wrong I believe Chantix helped me a lot but I am just not convinced I still need to be taking it after the initial physical withdrawal from nicotine has passed. I have started to develop new habits to replace the old. It is my belief that most of the issues with being a non-smoker I am going to have from here on out are more about behavioral cues than anything else and it is up to me to not smoke. Hopefully this decision won't come back to haunt me in the months to come but for now I am at my one month of not smoking and I am officially off Chantix. I have a couple pills left from my first months supply and I will keep a hold of them for the time being.
So I spent all day Monday sailing with my chain smoker friend and once again didn't smoke. There were actually several people around me smoking and I was fine with no urges that took more than a couple deep breaths to fight. After sailing we headed to another friends house for a barbecue and margaritas. I had a couple drinks and at one point someone even handed me a lit smoke. (One of those unthinking moments for them) I laughed... and handed it back to them. Sometimes I really can't believe that I am okay with not smoking as often as I am. The hardest part for me isn't even the cravings which come and go easily enough; it is that I still feel like I am grieving for a lost friend. I can't seem to shake this general feeling of unease. I can't even really seem to figure out what is causing it.
I know there are a lot of huge life changes and other stuff happening right now that is causing a great deal of anxiety. My son graduated from high school in June so our relationship has changed a lot. My job has suddenly changed drastically and not really for the better. I am basically completely broke right now, new boy (started dating pretty much the day I quit smoking) seems to be VERY attached to me already causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed. And… my backyard is over run with weeds. I haven’t watered my favorite star jasmine plants all summer and now for some bizarre reason if I even look out my back window I feel like crying because I have killed them. I know they are plants and it is silly to mourn them as well but I feel like I am mourning for so many parts of my life right now. Makes me wonder why I thought now was a good time to quit smoking but the reality is no time was ever going to be a "good time" so now was as good as any.
I am going to continue to document how things are going for me as a non-smoker and will of course let you all know if any odd things happen from going off Chantix but as I am sure you have already noticed I won't be posting as often (though it is likely I will have a lot to say when I do)
Monday, July 23, 2007
Forgot My Chantix... Again - Day 26 Quit/Day 33 Chantix
Well... I got off work Friday at around 1:00 and headed home to pack up and go to our favorite primitive campsite for the weekend (Cook and Green for those familiar with Southern Oregon which is about an hour away). New boy also decided to join me and meet my whole family there though he had to work the next day.
I had been taking my pills at around 3ish for a bit now so I hadn't taken one yet. I got everything together and headed out for my fun weekend. When we arrived there everyone else was already set up with their spots picked for tents (grr they stole my favorite spot). I set up my tent went down to the water to cool off and then came back up to grab a bite to eat, some water and my Chantix. This is when I discovered that my Chantix was not with me but rather sitting somewhere at home. Not much to do for it now I suppose.
So I have officially gone an entire weekend without Chantix. Maybe it was because I was camping but I actually made it through just fine. My sister still smokes and I admit there were a couple of times where I had actually convinced myself to just take one drag of her cigarette to "see what it would be like" but I never quite got around to asking her and am of course glad I didn't. When I would on occasion get a strong urge to smoke I just took a couple breaths and did something else for a few minutes.
It is now Monday afternoon, I am supposed to go sailing today for the first time since I quit with an old "special friend" of mine who is definitely a chain smoker and several of his friends who are also smokers. I have found my Chantix but still haven't taken one and I am trying to decide if I should take it or not. After not taking any all weekend is it going to make me feel weird I wonder? Will just one pill before going sailing make spending time around everyone easier?? These are the things I am currently questioning.
Ohhhhhhh and I forgot to add to my post.... Thursday night I was feeling VERY brave and good about my quit and decided it was time to test how committed I was. So I got ready and headed to my favorite bar The Beau Club... (that is right the one I keep talking about as the smokiest, dingiest bar in town). My plan was to have a few drinks, play pool and see how I did with being in a place so associated with smoking for me. Well.... my plan worked for the most part. I had my drinks and sat next to the pool table watching my smoker friends smoke and play and while I felt odd not smoking I actually had no real desire to light up at all more just the recognition that I would normally be smoking at certain times. Of course when my name finally came up on the table to play the frickin table broke so I wasn't able to really test myself. We headed to a different bar where I proceeded to drink and play pool till after 1 am AND... that is right.... I didn't smoke at all :)
I had been taking my pills at around 3ish for a bit now so I hadn't taken one yet. I got everything together and headed out for my fun weekend. When we arrived there everyone else was already set up with their spots picked for tents (grr they stole my favorite spot). I set up my tent went down to the water to cool off and then came back up to grab a bite to eat, some water and my Chantix. This is when I discovered that my Chantix was not with me but rather sitting somewhere at home. Not much to do for it now I suppose.
So I have officially gone an entire weekend without Chantix. Maybe it was because I was camping but I actually made it through just fine. My sister still smokes and I admit there were a couple of times where I had actually convinced myself to just take one drag of her cigarette to "see what it would be like" but I never quite got around to asking her and am of course glad I didn't. When I would on occasion get a strong urge to smoke I just took a couple breaths and did something else for a few minutes.
It is now Monday afternoon, I am supposed to go sailing today for the first time since I quit with an old "special friend" of mine who is definitely a chain smoker and several of his friends who are also smokers. I have found my Chantix but still haven't taken one and I am trying to decide if I should take it or not. After not taking any all weekend is it going to make me feel weird I wonder? Will just one pill before going sailing make spending time around everyone easier?? These are the things I am currently questioning.
Ohhhhhhh and I forgot to add to my post.... Thursday night I was feeling VERY brave and good about my quit and decided it was time to test how committed I was. So I got ready and headed to my favorite bar The Beau Club... (that is right the one I keep talking about as the smokiest, dingiest bar in town). My plan was to have a few drinks, play pool and see how I did with being in a place so associated with smoking for me. Well.... my plan worked for the most part. I had my drinks and sat next to the pool table watching my smoker friends smoke and play and while I felt odd not smoking I actually had no real desire to light up at all more just the recognition that I would normally be smoking at certain times. Of course when my name finally came up on the table to play the frickin table broke so I wasn't able to really test myself. We headed to a different bar where I proceeded to drink and play pool till after 1 am AND... that is right.... I didn't smoke at all :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
3 Weeks!! - Day 21 Quit/Day 28 Chantix
Well if I am not mistaken this is my 3 week mark. Something is going on with day counting and I am not sure what.. my counter says tomorrow is 3 weeks my head says today.
Anyhow I made it through yet another one of those days that would have had me chain smoking yesterday. I am still amazed overall with Chantix and with myself as I certainly never thought I could actually be successful in quitting smoking. Any "attempt" I have made in the past has lasted less than 8 hours... I was so committed to smoking I was the epitome of a hardcore smoker. I smoked through my grandmother dying of lung cancer, I smoked through my mother being diagnosed with emphysema and quitting herself, I smoked through my son crying and begging me not to kill myself, I smoked through upper respiratory infections, mild COPD and any other number of clear reasons to quit and now here I am SOOO committed to never smoking again. I don't care how Chantix works, I am just so thankful that it does.
Monday night while I was attempting to type up another blog I saw a light out in my driveway. I live in a pretty out of the way little back alley in the middle of town so there shouldn't be anyone wandering around out there. I thought it was my son and called out to him only to see someone hop out of his car and take off running down my long driveway. Needless to say that kind of freaked me out a bit... so I went outside looked around and locked up my car.
So.... when I get up yesterday morning to head to work (late as I almost always am) I go to open my car door and of course it is locked and there my keys sit inside the car under the coffee cup holder where I always put them when I get home. My passenger side window was down maybe an inch or so... I pushed it down another inch maybe for a grand total of 2 inches of room.. I then frantically went through my house grabbing and trying all sorts of things in an attempt to get in the car and somehow make it to work. About 10 min into this new boy hears me (yes he has been sleeping at my house probably more often than is good this early) and asks what is wrong... he gets up and somehow... miraculously manages to push the window enough to squeeze his very long arms in to unlock the door. Yay!!! Only now I am 20 minutes late to work and I have no coffee. Part way through my workday "the boss" who has basically been canceling our staff meetings for months suddenly says she wants to all meet after work today. (hrmm does this coincide with me being late again?). At the meeting she talks about how many people are complaining about being overworked and of course underpaid and she believes it is time to start "looking at roles and responsibilities" and "how we can become more efficient". Mind you I certainly feel underpaid.. but I would never complain about being overworked and I can't help but think that this discussion is being directed at me. I spend most of my day surfing the internet and have for a while now. Anyhow.. I will stop boring you all with the details...
My point in rambling about all of this is... Yesterday was Massively Massively.. stressful... when our "meeting" was finally over I walked to the car and contemplated finding just a little butt somewhere to smoke... maybe my "permanent couch guest" left one somewhere? I drove home frantically chewing on my straw (which I haven't touched in weeks) and drinking my water and wondering what made me EVER think I wanted to quit. Nearly crying "I don't want to" as if some outer force was making me do this... I fought with myself the whole way home. I got home and collapsed on my couch but.... I didn't look for that butt somewhere, I didn't stop and buy smokes and I didn't smoke. I stayed there for about 20 minutes or so then I got up put my gym clothes on and headed to the gym. I stayed there until nearly 8 pm. I even went to a Yoga class which I wouldn't have normally considered and it did kinda help I think. Then I went home took my shower and picked up new boy from work and headed back to my house to watch a movie.
In other words.... I made it through yet another day. Definitely some days in this journey our easier than others. And their have been days that I have thought for sure there was no way in hell I was gonna make it as a non-smoker. But I have. And if I can make it through the days like yesterday I know I can make it through anyday...
it is just a matter of actually NOT SMOKING!!
No matter what.... no matter how hard it seems.... the reality is that I actually do not need to smoke.
It turns out that despite that evil little addict, demon, evil, evil voice in my head telling me that I will simply die if I don't light up a cigarette the reality is that I won't.
Not smoking will not kill me... and I will make it and I will survive each individual craving no matter how bad they seem at the time they will pass.
That is the realization I came to yesterday. Knowing this makes me stronger overall and what is going to make each day easier probably isn't going to be that I will miss smoking less and less... but that I will realize more and more that I really genuinely don't need nicotine.
Anyhow I made it through yet another one of those days that would have had me chain smoking yesterday. I am still amazed overall with Chantix and with myself as I certainly never thought I could actually be successful in quitting smoking. Any "attempt" I have made in the past has lasted less than 8 hours... I was so committed to smoking I was the epitome of a hardcore smoker. I smoked through my grandmother dying of lung cancer, I smoked through my mother being diagnosed with emphysema and quitting herself, I smoked through my son crying and begging me not to kill myself, I smoked through upper respiratory infections, mild COPD and any other number of clear reasons to quit and now here I am SOOO committed to never smoking again. I don't care how Chantix works, I am just so thankful that it does.
Monday night while I was attempting to type up another blog I saw a light out in my driveway. I live in a pretty out of the way little back alley in the middle of town so there shouldn't be anyone wandering around out there. I thought it was my son and called out to him only to see someone hop out of his car and take off running down my long driveway. Needless to say that kind of freaked me out a bit... so I went outside looked around and locked up my car.
So.... when I get up yesterday morning to head to work (late as I almost always am) I go to open my car door and of course it is locked and there my keys sit inside the car under the coffee cup holder where I always put them when I get home. My passenger side window was down maybe an inch or so... I pushed it down another inch maybe for a grand total of 2 inches of room.. I then frantically went through my house grabbing and trying all sorts of things in an attempt to get in the car and somehow make it to work. About 10 min into this new boy hears me (yes he has been sleeping at my house probably more often than is good this early) and asks what is wrong... he gets up and somehow... miraculously manages to push the window enough to squeeze his very long arms in to unlock the door. Yay!!! Only now I am 20 minutes late to work and I have no coffee. Part way through my workday "the boss" who has basically been canceling our staff meetings for months suddenly says she wants to all meet after work today. (hrmm does this coincide with me being late again?). At the meeting she talks about how many people are complaining about being overworked and of course underpaid and she believes it is time to start "looking at roles and responsibilities" and "how we can become more efficient". Mind you I certainly feel underpaid.. but I would never complain about being overworked and I can't help but think that this discussion is being directed at me. I spend most of my day surfing the internet and have for a while now. Anyhow.. I will stop boring you all with the details...
My point in rambling about all of this is... Yesterday was Massively Massively.. stressful... when our "meeting" was finally over I walked to the car and contemplated finding just a little butt somewhere to smoke... maybe my "permanent couch guest" left one somewhere? I drove home frantically chewing on my straw (which I haven't touched in weeks) and drinking my water and wondering what made me EVER think I wanted to quit. Nearly crying "I don't want to" as if some outer force was making me do this... I fought with myself the whole way home. I got home and collapsed on my couch but.... I didn't look for that butt somewhere, I didn't stop and buy smokes and I didn't smoke. I stayed there for about 20 minutes or so then I got up put my gym clothes on and headed to the gym. I stayed there until nearly 8 pm. I even went to a Yoga class which I wouldn't have normally considered and it did kinda help I think. Then I went home took my shower and picked up new boy from work and headed back to my house to watch a movie.
In other words.... I made it through yet another day. Definitely some days in this journey our easier than others. And their have been days that I have thought for sure there was no way in hell I was gonna make it as a non-smoker. But I have. And if I can make it through the days like yesterday I know I can make it through anyday...
it is just a matter of actually NOT SMOKING!!
No matter what.... no matter how hard it seems.... the reality is that I actually do not need to smoke.
It turns out that despite that evil little addict, demon, evil, evil voice in my head telling me that I will simply die if I don't light up a cigarette the reality is that I won't.
Not smoking will not kill me... and I will make it and I will survive each individual craving no matter how bad they seem at the time they will pass.
That is the realization I came to yesterday. Knowing this makes me stronger overall and what is going to make each day easier probably isn't going to be that I will miss smoking less and less... but that I will realize more and more that I really genuinely don't need nicotine.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Decent Weekend - Day 19 Quit/Day 26 Chantix
Well overall I had a pretty good weekend. Not really any strong urges to smoke and I seem to be doing well taking just 1mg of Chantix at around 4pm (or later) with food. I know there has been some concern expressed regarding adjusting the medication but my thought was mostly just that I started out taking only .5 mg 1x a day, moved up to 1mg 2x a day and ended up on 2 mg 2x a day so slowly going back to what I started on is financially speaking best for me and as long as I am able to maintain my quit on 1 mg I may even start cutting the pills in half starting next week. I am still afraid to not take Chantix at all but given the couple times I have forgotten my daily dose I do think I am ready to do so if I had to.
While I didn't really have any strong cravings I did find myself continually allowing myself to think about the whole "rest of my life as a non-smoker" thing. That is where it is gets hard for me. I miss my friends and I miss my favorite bar, and I miss, and I miss... you get the picture :) As I have said pretty much all of my friends are smokers and while I did okay the other night at the pub with a couple people smoking around me I am not sure if I will ever be ready to hang out and play pool in my favorite smoky bar with all my favorite smoking friends and not smoke myself. I actually cried again for a bit this weekend when I thought about never getting to smoke again. It is like a grieving process only I feel guilty for grieving at all because smoking is not something that is worthy of grieving for. I suppose right now in terms of stages of grief I am wavering between Bargaining and Depression. The addict is still in the bargaining stage trying to come up with new reasons why I can smoke and my logical brain has moved on to depression realizing that I have lost one of my longest standing friends (the cigarette) and can never see them again.
The evil little addict brain loves grabbing hold of all of this and putting evil thoughts in my head. I know it is lying to me but that doesn't make it all that much easier to ignore. For example... I was walking through the grocery store on Friday I think when it occurred to me that I would "someday" light another cigarette, that there was no conceivable way that I was NEVER going to slip up; so why am I even bothering to not smoke now when I would eventually become a smoker again anyways. There are also those evil little thoughts that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about how nice it would be to have just one cigarette and how miserable that will make me FOREVER; so in the end shouldn't I just smoke and be happy rather than think about smoking all my life and be miserable. Mind you I know all of this isn't true, I know logically that it is just my addiction talking but knowing that doesn't seem to shut that stupid voice up!!
Ahh and on to the one great urge I did make it past this weekend. Saturday night new boy invited me to go see a movie with him. (A movie they kept smoking in) When the movie was finally over and I walked out of that theater I actually stuck my hand in my purse to pull out my pack of smokes before I remembered I had quit and didn't have any. I am so thankful that he quit smoking when he started hanging out with me and seems to be having such an easy time with it. If he had lit up a smoke that may have been the end of my quit. Then again maybe not...
Don't get me wrong in all of this. I still feel just as committed to quitting as I ever did and I have no intention of ever smoking again just another recognition that this is $%#*& hard as hell. The whole idea of cigarettes really pisses me off right now. How can we as a society be okay with companies making things like cigarettes and not do anything about them chaining people to such an evil addiction that will almost surely kill them and definitely make them feel like crap. I am really really wishing I had never started smoking right now.
While I didn't really have any strong cravings I did find myself continually allowing myself to think about the whole "rest of my life as a non-smoker" thing. That is where it is gets hard for me. I miss my friends and I miss my favorite bar, and I miss, and I miss... you get the picture :) As I have said pretty much all of my friends are smokers and while I did okay the other night at the pub with a couple people smoking around me I am not sure if I will ever be ready to hang out and play pool in my favorite smoky bar with all my favorite smoking friends and not smoke myself. I actually cried again for a bit this weekend when I thought about never getting to smoke again. It is like a grieving process only I feel guilty for grieving at all because smoking is not something that is worthy of grieving for. I suppose right now in terms of stages of grief I am wavering between Bargaining and Depression. The addict is still in the bargaining stage trying to come up with new reasons why I can smoke and my logical brain has moved on to depression realizing that I have lost one of my longest standing friends (the cigarette) and can never see them again.
The evil little addict brain loves grabbing hold of all of this and putting evil thoughts in my head. I know it is lying to me but that doesn't make it all that much easier to ignore. For example... I was walking through the grocery store on Friday I think when it occurred to me that I would "someday" light another cigarette, that there was no conceivable way that I was NEVER going to slip up; so why am I even bothering to not smoke now when I would eventually become a smoker again anyways. There are also those evil little thoughts that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about how nice it would be to have just one cigarette and how miserable that will make me FOREVER; so in the end shouldn't I just smoke and be happy rather than think about smoking all my life and be miserable. Mind you I know all of this isn't true, I know logically that it is just my addiction talking but knowing that doesn't seem to shut that stupid voice up!!
Ahh and on to the one great urge I did make it past this weekend. Saturday night new boy invited me to go see a movie with him. (A movie they kept smoking in) When the movie was finally over and I walked out of that theater I actually stuck my hand in my purse to pull out my pack of smokes before I remembered I had quit and didn't have any. I am so thankful that he quit smoking when he started hanging out with me and seems to be having such an easy time with it. If he had lit up a smoke that may have been the end of my quit. Then again maybe not...
Don't get me wrong in all of this. I still feel just as committed to quitting as I ever did and I have no intention of ever smoking again just another recognition that this is $%#*& hard as hell. The whole idea of cigarettes really pisses me off right now. How can we as a society be okay with companies making things like cigarettes and not do anything about them chaining people to such an evil addiction that will almost surely kill them and definitely make them feel like crap. I am really really wishing I had never started smoking right now.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Test 1 Passed - Day 16 Quit/Day 23 Chantix
Well I made it through an evening of watching other people smoke. I had one drink and ate dinner and sat out on the patio with all of the smokers chatting. There were a couple slight urges but it was actually better than I had been during my evil morning the other day. What did have me a bit worried was that when I first walked up to join them his friend was smoking and I had to admit to myself that somehow for the first time I actually did find a little bit of pleasure in the smell of the smoke. ACK!! That feeling went away quickly however and by the end of the evening I barely noticed the people smoking around me as I was involved in chatting with friends.
Even given my success last night I don't think I am quite ready to head down to my favorite smoky bar and play a game of pool. I am beginning to wonder if that is something I will ever be willing to risk again. I don't want to ever smoke again and I suppose if that means giving up some of my favorite things that I am willing to pay that price. I just hope I won't have to.
As to how I am feeling with the lower Chantix dose. All seems to be going okay as I said last night was okay and I feel pretty good this morning. The urges may be slightly stronger but they still go away just as quickly and I am not so sure their increase is due to the lower dose and not the increased stress in my life and the tempting situations I have placed myself in.
My last Chantix was taken around 4 pm yesterday. I will probably take my next dose around the same time today.
Even given my success last night I don't think I am quite ready to head down to my favorite smoky bar and play a game of pool. I am beginning to wonder if that is something I will ever be willing to risk again. I don't want to ever smoke again and I suppose if that means giving up some of my favorite things that I am willing to pay that price. I just hope I won't have to.
As to how I am feeling with the lower Chantix dose. All seems to be going okay as I said last night was okay and I feel pretty good this morning. The urges may be slightly stronger but they still go away just as quickly and I am not so sure their increase is due to the lower dose and not the increased stress in my life and the tempting situations I have placed myself in.
My last Chantix was taken around 4 pm yesterday. I will probably take my next dose around the same time today.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Test Time!!
Well... I suppose it was inevitable given my lifestyle etc. New boy just invited me to go down to a local bar (non-smoking) and have a drink with him and meet a bunch of his friends and his ex...
I have a feeling this will be a true test of my will to not smoke. And it would be on the day I picked to cut back my Chantix dose. Gonna actually cut up a straw or something to chew on and bring gum and I think I won't drink at all.
So here is my promise to myself.... I will not smoke tonight no matter what or how bad I want to.
I have a feeling this will be a true test of my will to not smoke. And it would be on the day I picked to cut back my Chantix dose. Gonna actually cut up a straw or something to chew on and bring gum and I think I won't drink at all.
So here is my promise to myself.... I will not smoke tonight no matter what or how bad I want to.
Am I Crazy?? 2 WEEKS Quit/Day 22 Chantix
So... I got home for lunch today planning to take my morning pill with a bit of yogurt or something (was planning on it being the only pill today). When I left this morning my new friend was still sleeping and was still there when I got home for lunch so I spent the first hour or so of my break waking him up.
I then got myself a bowl of yogurt and some water and tried to take a couple bites but for some reason just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just really didn't feel like eating it nor did I particularly feel like taking my pill; so I didn't.
I know bad bad Lakasha... but I figure I will get something else to eat after work today and take the pill then so at around 3:30. I haven't thought of smoking all day or had any urges so I think I will be okay. I wonder if I can just take one pill a day "at some point". I know already rebeling with so few quit weeks behind me but... I only have one packet of Chantix left and ideally I won't have to buy a whole nother month of the stuff because I really don't feel right now like I need another months worth... we shall see I guess.
I then got myself a bowl of yogurt and some water and tried to take a couple bites but for some reason just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just really didn't feel like eating it nor did I particularly feel like taking my pill; so I didn't.
I know bad bad Lakasha... but I figure I will get something else to eat after work today and take the pill then so at around 3:30. I haven't thought of smoking all day or had any urges so I think I will be okay. I wonder if I can just take one pill a day "at some point". I know already rebeling with so few quit weeks behind me but... I only have one packet of Chantix left and ideally I won't have to buy a whole nother month of the stuff because I really don't feel right now like I need another months worth... we shall see I guess.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Food... - Day 14 Quit/Day 21 Chantix
So.. I don't know if it is the actual quit, the excersise or just the ability to taste food again but I find myself eating WAY more than I ever used to. It isn't like I am not full or I am using the food as a substitute when I want to smoke. I have always liked eating but I seem to be enjoying food far more than ever before. I know I mentioned this a couple times but it does concern me. I really don't want to end up gaining tons of weight. I have never had to do the portion control thing before and have no idea how to go about it but I guess I will have to learn.
Doing well for the most part.. this morning was super tough as both my unwanted house guest and my son decided to sleep in and be late for work. I had to wake them both up and it annoyed me beyond belief. I don't need nor want 2 children that I have to take care of. By the time I got in my car to drive to work I was so frustrated that had there been a smoke around I am pretty sure I would have caved. Fortunatly there wasn't and I have made it through the first half of my day without smoking or killing anybody...
Hoping for a better 2nd half of my day.
Doing well for the most part.. this morning was super tough as both my unwanted house guest and my son decided to sleep in and be late for work. I had to wake them both up and it annoyed me beyond belief. I don't need nor want 2 children that I have to take care of. By the time I got in my car to drive to work I was so frustrated that had there been a smoke around I am pretty sure I would have caved. Fortunatly there wasn't and I have made it through the first half of my day without smoking or killing anybody...
Hoping for a better 2nd half of my day.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Back at Work - Day 13 Quit/Day 20 Chantix
Well I am back at work today for the first time in what feels like forever. I will be starting my 2nd week of non-smoking tomorrow. For some reason right now I am getting fairly strong urges to smoke. I could leave work right now but I am putting it off so I don't have to get in my car like this. I am drinking water. My stomach is growling a bit as if I am hungry which I definetly shouldn't be as I ate a sandwich at lunch time which is more than I usually do.
I am planning to go to a Women with Weights class at the YMCA for the first time today at 5:45 and was kind of planning on staying away from my house until afterwards.
The staying away from my house thing comes from the increasinly unwanted houseguest on my couch. I have never been very good at confrontation so I still haven't said anything to her but for %^#%$# sake I told her she could crash on the couch for a couple days back at the end of April and she has been there ever since. She doesn't give me any money and when I got back from my camping trip my whole fucking house smelt like cigarette smoke. I think she doesn't realize (anymore than I did) how much it stinks to someone who is not smoking. She probably thought I wouldn't notice if she smoked a couple inside while I was gone. I noticed!! Not to mention she slept on my couch yesterday until well after 4pm... there are things I would like to do in my house ya know. I love this girl and she is a good friend but I cherish my space as well and I am going a bit insane at this point.
Trying to come up with non-confrontational ways to tell her it is time to go isn't working out so well for me at this point as I clearly haven't come up with anything. r
I am planning to go to a Women with Weights class at the YMCA for the first time today at 5:45 and was kind of planning on staying away from my house until afterwards.
The staying away from my house thing comes from the increasinly unwanted houseguest on my couch. I have never been very good at confrontation so I still haven't said anything to her but for %^#%$# sake I told her she could crash on the couch for a couple days back at the end of April and she has been there ever since. She doesn't give me any money and when I got back from my camping trip my whole fucking house smelt like cigarette smoke. I think she doesn't realize (anymore than I did) how much it stinks to someone who is not smoking. She probably thought I wouldn't notice if she smoked a couple inside while I was gone. I noticed!! Not to mention she slept on my couch yesterday until well after 4pm... there are things I would like to do in my house ya know. I love this girl and she is a good friend but I cherish my space as well and I am going a bit insane at this point.
Trying to come up with non-confrontational ways to tell her it is time to go isn't working out so well for me at this point as I clearly haven't come up with anything. r
Monday, July 9, 2007
I'm Back!! Update - Day 12 Quit/Day 19 Chantix
Sorry to have disappeared for so long and caused people to worry. I am indeed still not smoking. I am now on day 12 without a single puff. So what have I been up to? Well I met a new boy just before my quit day and he kept me quite entertained for a while. He even decided to join me in quitting smoking so I have had a RL quit buddy, which has been pretty nice. (The friend sleeping on my couch was going to quit as well but she only lasted like 2 days). The 4th of July was a bit rough as I would normally have spent it with all of my smoking friends but instead came home after the fireworks with new boy. I left the next morning to go camping on the coast and didn’t get back till last night. My first non-smoking camping trip!! Go Me… I thought it was going to be much rougher than it was. I also thought having a whole week off work would be a lot tougher. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a cakewalk but hey I made it.
There have been a couple times I have been sorely tempted and I have certainly had ample opportunities but I don’t want to give up the days I have already put into this so I have basically just sucked it up and moved forward. There is still this evil little voice in my head trying to convince me that I could have “just one” and be fine but for me the biggest motivation to not smoking has been that I haven’t cheated this time and I fear that even one puff would lose that motivation for me if that makes any sense.
My sister is still currently smoking though she really wants to go on Chantix and quit as well. She has her prescription filled but she is still breastfeeding so isn’t supposed to take it yet. Her husband also quit using Chantix. During our camping trip she was telling me that on one particularly stressful day about 2 weeks or so into his quit he did have one cigarette and that he said it had no effect on him whatsoever. I know she was trying to make me feel less stressed but in some ways it makes it harder not to listen to that little demon telling me I can have just one.
Now on to the most disturbing factor of this whole quit. Not that I hadn’t heard you may gain weight but I assumed that wouldn’t apply to me. I have always been fairly thin and have had problems trying to gain weight; I have weighed 118 lbs for the last 15 years with the most fluctuation ever being only + or – 3 lbs. Even when I was pregnant I only gained like 29 lbs. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I have gained almost 10 lbs since I quit. It is showing in my waist size ACK!!! My baggie jeans now fit me and I can’t even bring myself to try on my favorite pair of jeans for fear they won’t button and I will go into an absolute panic attack. I know I have been eating a lot more but SO!!! I have been eating healthy food and I have been exercising. What the fuck!! Looks like I may have to go on a diet or something? Just not cool at all. I would love any suggestions here, as I have to eat at least the 2 meals a day to take my Chantix. Think the eating of breakfast regularly, which I never did before could have caused that kind of dramatic weight gain?
As to the Chantix itself one little note. On Friday night while camping I forgot to take my Chantix all together. Didn’t even realize it till I woke up Saturday morning and I certainly didn’t have any greater cravings on Friday night than the rest of the weekend. Last night I wasn’t able to take it till like 1 am. So I am thinking I will at the very least cut down my intake in the next couple days. I have also been toying around with the idea of simply taking one pill around lunchtime. What are all your thoughts?
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Gym!
Right when I got off work today I decided to head to the Y. I got there at 3:15 and spent just over 3 hours there; did about 30 min of cardio, some strength training and swam a bunch of laps. Not all of it working out mind you I also spent some time in the sauna.
I feel really good right now and I think I may want to move into the gym. I swear I didn't think about smoking the entire time I was there. Getting into my car after was a bit tough. Again that sense of having accomplished something made it hard to not smoke. Let me tell you that definetly sucks. I need to figure out something nice to do for myself every time I finish something... transition times between things also seem tough for me.
So any ideas? It seems most of the ideas on things to do to fight cravings involve something that will simply create another transition.. or accomplish something. I am already drinking water... hrmm..
I feel really good right now and I think I may want to move into the gym. I swear I didn't think about smoking the entire time I was there. Getting into my car after was a bit tough. Again that sense of having accomplished something made it hard to not smoke. Let me tell you that definetly sucks. I need to figure out something nice to do for myself every time I finish something... transition times between things also seem tough for me.
So any ideas? It seems most of the ideas on things to do to fight cravings involve something that will simply create another transition.. or accomplish something. I am already drinking water... hrmm..
Day 9 - I Made it through Day 1
For the first time in 24 years I have made it through an entire day without smoking a single cigarette if I didn't know it was true... I would assume I was lying.
I am awed that I was able to do it. I am not even entirely sure you could call those times when I feel like smoking cravings. It is more like this weird feeling that I am missing or forgetting something. Like when I left for work this morning. It is also really strange to not check to make sure I have smokes and a lighter before leaving the house. To not have them in my purse.
I am sure that things could potentially get much much harder but to be honest right now I seriously could not be happier. Everytime I think I want to smoke now I can just remind myself that I really can go a full day without smoking.. that I am indeed not going to DIE... if I don't have a cigarette..................... and that in fact if I do have one I have only made myself that much more unhealthy and that much closer to death.
I am awed that I was able to do it. I am not even entirely sure you could call those times when I feel like smoking cravings. It is more like this weird feeling that I am missing or forgetting something. Like when I left for work this morning. It is also really strange to not check to make sure I have smokes and a lighter before leaving the house. To not have them in my purse.
I am sure that things could potentially get much much harder but to be honest right now I seriously could not be happier. Everytime I think I want to smoke now I can just remind myself that I really can go a full day without smoking.. that I am indeed not going to DIE... if I don't have a cigarette..................... and that in fact if I do have one I have only made myself that much more unhealthy and that much closer to death.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Check-In Day 8!! Quit Day
And still not smoking. I picked up my house a bit just now and when I finished had a pretty intense craving for a smoke but I grabbed my trusty bottle of water, my chewed up favorite straw and sat to type this instead. I imagine for the next couple days I will be writing a lot of very short check-in type posts. These are mostly just to do something else for those few minutes when the cravings are there.
QUIT DAY!! Chantix Day 8 - Lunch Break
And yes I did go out last night and I smoked more than I had all week. I stayed up too late... (4:30am) and got up to late at like 8:05. I was determined however to take a shower and get the bar stench off me, grab myself my new box of Chantix and breakfast stuff and somehow make it to work by 8:30 and still stop for coffee (bout a 7 min drive plus 2 min in line for coffee). Well my determination hit a big fat road block. What the hell did I do with my KEYS... they don't seem to be in my purse GAH!!!
I searched the entire house for like 15 minutes and called work to let them know I would be late. After my frantic search throughout the house I dumped my purse and there they were.
SO.... I get in the car... Drive straight to work with no coffee... Walk in late for the all staff and students Community Meeting... sit down and realize... I made it through one of the most stressful, tired mornings I have had in a long time without a smoke.. I don't even think the idea of smoking occurred to me until I sat down at work. Then I admit I wanted one REALLY badly. But of course I don't have any and the craving did indeed pass...
Yay for Chantix I couldn't do it without you!!
I searched the entire house for like 15 minutes and called work to let them know I would be late. After my frantic search throughout the house I dumped my purse and there they were.
SO.... I get in the car... Drive straight to work with no coffee... Walk in late for the all staff and students Community Meeting... sit down and realize... I made it through one of the most stressful, tired mornings I have had in a long time without a smoke.. I don't even think the idea of smoking occurred to me until I sat down at work. Then I admit I wanted one REALLY badly. But of course I don't have any and the craving did indeed pass...
Yay for Chantix I couldn't do it without you!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I will not be mislead..
After much thought I have decided I am indeed going to go out again tonight and enjoy my last evening of smoking. I will say goodbye for now to my favorite bar. I am not going to buy a last pack but will instead go with Maggie's idea and simply bum smokes from people. I have given out enough there to where I figure my friends owe me. I will also tell each and every one of them to never give me another smoke after tonight.
That last part was added due to my once again quite devious addict mind. As I was driving home thinking about what to do with my evening the thought occured to me that I could quit buying smokes today but allow myself to bum smokes from people for another week. I can sense the little nico-demon trying in vain to figure out some way out of what my rational intellegent mind has already decided is my course of action. I will not be mislead by that other little evil voice trying to let me smoke for just a bit longer.
That last part was added due to my once again quite devious addict mind. As I was driving home thinking about what to do with my evening the thought occured to me that I could quit buying smokes today but allow myself to bum smokes from people for another week. I can sense the little nico-demon trying in vain to figure out some way out of what my rational intellegent mind has already decided is my course of action. I will not be mislead by that other little evil voice trying to let me smoke for just a bit longer.
Day 7 Chantix!!
Tomorrow is Quit Day!!!
I had 1/2 a smoke before getting in my car this morning. Suprising I didn't wake up late or anything... Maybe that is because I actually slept? Interesting eh!! Hehe....
Smoked a whole cigarette during my lunch break (1/2 at beg. other 1/2 before heading back to work). Not sure what I should do at this point as I only have 1 smoke left... Today is my last day of smoking do I go buy another pack and smoke as much as I can or just smoke the one I have left and quit now. I know how devious my mind can be and I worry that if I actually quit today my mind will figure out someway to convince itself in the next week that I get a freebie day since I quit a day early.... I already here that thought in my mind.. so I know it will come.
Doing quite well though and really enjoying reading everyones blogs and the forums and what not. It really helps to read about how other people are doing with their quits... both the good and the bad. It is so helpful to know I am not alone and it gives me something to do with my time while I am not smoking.
I had 1/2 a smoke before getting in my car this morning. Suprising I didn't wake up late or anything... Maybe that is because I actually slept? Interesting eh!! Hehe....
Smoked a whole cigarette during my lunch break (1/2 at beg. other 1/2 before heading back to work). Not sure what I should do at this point as I only have 1 smoke left... Today is my last day of smoking do I go buy another pack and smoke as much as I can or just smoke the one I have left and quit now. I know how devious my mind can be and I worry that if I actually quit today my mind will figure out someway to convince itself in the next week that I get a freebie day since I quit a day early.... I already here that thought in my mind.. so I know it will come.
Doing quite well though and really enjoying reading everyones blogs and the forums and what not. It really helps to read about how other people are doing with their quits... both the good and the bad. It is so helpful to know I am not alone and it gives me something to do with my time while I am not smoking.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Had to sleep sometime..
Well the nap didn't happen this afternoon but I did take Maggie's advice and picked up some granola bars and bananas to eat with my pills. I got home ate took the pills, tried to pick up my house after the debauchery of last night and then smoked my first cigarette of the day.
So my lack of sleep last night ended up definitely being bad as I forgot I had CPR training at work today and of course they have changed it to where you have to do nearly 10 minutes of actual compressions. That is hard work especially when you haven't slept and are in the middle of quitting smoking. And the CPR trainer apparently didn't read my blog... she kept us there far longer than was necessary or wise.
I finally got home at like 4 having still smoked only one cig, a friend called and I went to pick up her up from work and didn't get around to my 2nd smoke until nearly 5.
Got myself some food because I was fairly hungry but only ate like half of it had smoke #3. I decided a nap sounded just plain necessary but didn't wake up till 10 pm. Not having the energy to really make or find a full meal I ate a granola bar and what was left of my sandwich, took my pill and had my 4th smoke. Now it is after 11. I am thinking I will have yet another cig and go to bed..
for a Grand Total of 5 cigarettes all day.
I don't really feel like I need to smoke before bed so why am I doing it? Just because I still can?? That is where my thought process is now. I think I am really gonna need to work on that whole one hour/day at a time thing come Thursday. I am a bit scared. It all feels so easy right now but I know a big part of that is because I know that I can smoke before I go to bed if I want. All I am really doing right now is putting off the smoke not telling myself I can't smoke again. It is a different mind set and I know it. Not sure my mind can be so easily tricked into just doing the one day at a time thing. I know better... I have committed myself to not smoking again ever and yet I can't quite wrap my brain around that thought and I am scared that when the day comes that I can't smoke again I will go into total panic mode. Kind of like when you realize you have ran out of smokes and suddenly there is nothing more important in the world than having one. For me in those moments I would swear I am willing to do anything for a single cigarette
And I am rambling I know what I am trying to say but the words aren't quite following so I will stop now maybe tomorrow these thoughts will be clearer. Off to smoke a pointless cig and go to bed.
So my lack of sleep last night ended up definitely being bad as I forgot I had CPR training at work today and of course they have changed it to where you have to do nearly 10 minutes of actual compressions. That is hard work especially when you haven't slept and are in the middle of quitting smoking. And the CPR trainer apparently didn't read my blog... she kept us there far longer than was necessary or wise.
I finally got home at like 4 having still smoked only one cig, a friend called and I went to pick up her up from work and didn't get around to my 2nd smoke until nearly 5.
Got myself some food because I was fairly hungry but only ate like half of it had smoke #3. I decided a nap sounded just plain necessary but didn't wake up till 10 pm. Not having the energy to really make or find a full meal I ate a granola bar and what was left of my sandwich, took my pill and had my 4th smoke. Now it is after 11. I am thinking I will have yet another cig and go to bed..
for a Grand Total of 5 cigarettes all day.
I don't really feel like I need to smoke before bed so why am I doing it? Just because I still can?? That is where my thought process is now. I think I am really gonna need to work on that whole one hour/day at a time thing come Thursday. I am a bit scared. It all feels so easy right now but I know a big part of that is because I know that I can smoke before I go to bed if I want. All I am really doing right now is putting off the smoke not telling myself I can't smoke again. It is a different mind set and I know it. Not sure my mind can be so easily tricked into just doing the one day at a time thing. I know better... I have committed myself to not smoking again ever and yet I can't quite wrap my brain around that thought and I am scared that when the day comes that I can't smoke again I will go into total panic mode. Kind of like when you realize you have ran out of smokes and suddenly there is nothing more important in the world than having one. For me in those moments I would swear I am willing to do anything for a single cigarette
And I am rambling I know what I am trying to say but the words aren't quite following so I will stop now maybe tomorrow these thoughts will be clearer. Off to smoke a pointless cig and go to bed.
Not getting easier...
My first few days on the Chantix seemed a bit easier than the last 2 which seems just wrong as my dosage was upped for the last 2 days. Odd yes??
Of course I am sure the whole spending time in the bar was more to blame than anything else but I spent the 2nd night I was on it in the bar and was fine. Ohh well I am also still just as determined to quit. My actual quit day is fast approaching... 2 more days till Q-Day!! and I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't had a smoke or my Chantix yet this morning because... can you all already guess??
That is right... I was late waking up again... actually can barely say that as I actually went to bed only a couple short hours ago. I was still up at 6:15 and I knew I wasn't going to be able to actually get enough sleep so plan was to simply lay down on my couch and doze until my alarm went off which I of course didn't hear because it is in my bedroom. Fortunatly it increases in sound if you don't turn it off so it eventually got my attention. But the late wake up meant... no food to eat with my Chantix and no time to have a smoke before hopping in my car and driving to work. I told myself I would smoke when I got to work but it appears that I didn't grab any fire of any kind and removed all of them from my car when I cleaned it out. Of course it appears that last nights Chantix is still working as I don't feel like hurting anyone at work right now. I just have that slight gnawing in my mind saying I should have grabbed a lighter.
So.. the new plan is to head to the store when I go to lunch at 10 ish buy some food. Head home eat said food, take the Chantix, have a smoke and then attempt to nap until noon when I have to attend the lame yearly CPR/First Aid training I am required to do. The lovely CPR trainer would be wise to just give me the stupid multiple choice test let me get my yearly 100% and send me home to sleep.
Of course I am sure the whole spending time in the bar was more to blame than anything else but I spent the 2nd night I was on it in the bar and was fine. Ohh well I am also still just as determined to quit. My actual quit day is fast approaching... 2 more days till Q-Day!! and I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't had a smoke or my Chantix yet this morning because... can you all already guess??
That is right... I was late waking up again... actually can barely say that as I actually went to bed only a couple short hours ago. I was still up at 6:15 and I knew I wasn't going to be able to actually get enough sleep so plan was to simply lay down on my couch and doze until my alarm went off which I of course didn't hear because it is in my bedroom. Fortunatly it increases in sound if you don't turn it off so it eventually got my attention. But the late wake up meant... no food to eat with my Chantix and no time to have a smoke before hopping in my car and driving to work. I told myself I would smoke when I got to work but it appears that I didn't grab any fire of any kind and removed all of them from my car when I cleaned it out. Of course it appears that last nights Chantix is still working as I don't feel like hurting anyone at work right now. I just have that slight gnawing in my mind saying I should have grabbed a lighter.
So.. the new plan is to head to the store when I go to lunch at 10 ish buy some food. Head home eat said food, take the Chantix, have a smoke and then attempt to nap until noon when I have to attend the lame yearly CPR/First Aid training I am required to do. The lovely CPR trainer would be wise to just give me the stupid multiple choice test let me get my yearly 100% and send me home to sleep.
Monday, June 25, 2007
My Friends...
Driving home from work today I realized that literally all of the people who I actually like and spend time with are smokers. What does that say about me and my friends that I can not think of a single person that doesn't smoke. I always used to joke around and say things like I am going to go smoke cause that is what all the cool people do. Don't get me wrong, I know smoking is not cool. I have known that for a very long time now. But apparently all of "the cool people" are doing it... at least in my circle.
I am sure it was the junkie brain that caused me to come to this realization but that doesn't make it any less true. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and I can seriously only think of one that doesn't smoke (she just quit but isn't around much anymore) and maybe a couple others but they don't live here anymore. Everyone who lives in this town that I spend time with or am friends with smokes. And not just a little bit.. these are avid smokers like me who enjoy smoking.
One friend of mine offered to quit with me today. We shall see....
I am sure it was the junkie brain that caused me to come to this realization but that doesn't make it any less true. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and I can seriously only think of one that doesn't smoke (she just quit but isn't around much anymore) and maybe a couple others but they don't live here anymore. Everyone who lives in this town that I spend time with or am friends with smokes. And not just a little bit.. these are avid smokers like me who enjoy smoking.
One friend of mine offered to quit with me today. We shall see....
Triggers and Fears
I am trying to get down as much of this information I have been writing in my personal journal on here as I can. So what are my triggers really? Sometimes it seems like my life is just one big smoking trigger, it is not like I ever really needed a reason to smoke. What I have always been needing is a reason not to smoke. But in really looking at my smoking there are certainly some things (okay many things) that make me want to smoke more than others... in no particular order they would be...
I admit there is also a small fear that quitting smoking won't make a difference and I won't feel any better but I am fairly certain that is just my evil little addictive nicodemon talking. It is trying really hard to cling on for dear life... and it is really past time for it to die already.
- Bored
- Driving
- After Meals
- At the Bar
- On the Phone
- Reward - After completed task like cleaning the house etc.
- Relaxing - On computer or after work etc.
- Strong Emotions - esp when I am angry/frustrated or tense from work.
- Playing Cards
- Other Smokers
I admit there is also a small fear that quitting smoking won't make a difference and I won't feel any better but I am fairly certain that is just my evil little addictive nicodemon talking. It is trying really hard to cling on for dear life... and it is really past time for it to die already.
My Reasons for Quitting
So I am supposed to list out my reasons for quitting and doing so is supposed to somehow help me stay committed to doing this. The reasons seem rather obvious and I would imagine most of deciding to quit smoking are doing so for basically the same reasons. I doubt that there are many of us who are quitting "just because". So... lets see... I will try to post them in a somewhat numbered list though really all my reasons are equally important in there own ways and certainly tied in together. What it really comes down to is that I don't want to be a smoker anymore.
- My Health - This one is a no brainer. Smoking is bad for me. I am out of shape, I can't breathe, I hack up a lung every morning. I want to have more energy and be able to smell and taste my food. My grandmother died of lung cancer and my mother has emphysema. That should be reason enough to convince anyone to stop smoking.
- My Skin - While this may seem like the same issue for me it is in a way a separate one. I have a skin condition that is exacerbated by smoking. Not to mention that smoking ages your skin. I am 35 and right now I still look younger than my years but I can see that changing everyday when I look in the mirror.
- My Appearance/Smell - I never claimed I wasn't vain in some ways. I want to look and smell good. I want my teeth to be white and my hands and nails to not be yellow. I want to exercise more so I can get rid of this little pooch my tummy has developed and being a smoker keeps me from regularly exercising. I don't want to look 50 when I am 40; I want to look 30.
- My Money - I am poor. I don't mean kinda poor, I mean I really don't have the money to continue smoking anymore. I am at a point where I needed to decide if I wanted to continue smoking or continue eating. I am thinking food may be more important.
- My Family - I made a promise long ago to my son who is now 18 that I would quit smoking. I broke that promise and I have never forgiven myself. I don't want to be that person. I care about my family and friends as well and don't want to continue exposing them to my smoking. Every time I smoke near my mother I am killing her due to her emphysema.
- My Life - I need to make a POSITIVE CHANGE in my life and now is the time to do that. I can't keep going on the way I am and expecting to eventually find happiness. If I haven't found it yet doing things the way I have been doing them, then I need to face that it isn't going to happen till I do something different. Quitting smoking has become for me that something as it will change nearly every aspect of my life.
To Bar or Not to Bar.....
Believe me I fully understand just how tied together drinking and smoking are. And I know that the biggest danger to my quit is going to be spending anytime at all in a smoky bar.
Honestly it isn't even a drinking thing for me. It is the bar scene itself. I have never been a big drinker and often times I just drink water all night at the bar because I can't afford the drinks. I worry that I will become totally anti-social if I don't go to the bar at least occasionally.
I don't really talk to anyone I work with pretty much the only socializing I do regularly is with my friends at the bar. I am single, I live alone etc.... I know sad isn't it. My sister is trying to convince me to look for local clubs etc but that just sounds dull to me. I can't think that I would have anything really in common with a bunch of people who like spending there time in that way.
I am supposed to go camping over 4th of July but I am thinking that may be quite the set-up for myself as well. Sitting around a campfire.. doing??? What is it you do around a campfire at night if you are not smoking, drinking and playing cards?? Ideas??
Honestly it isn't even a drinking thing for me. It is the bar scene itself. I have never been a big drinker and often times I just drink water all night at the bar because I can't afford the drinks. I worry that I will become totally anti-social if I don't go to the bar at least occasionally.
I don't really talk to anyone I work with pretty much the only socializing I do regularly is with my friends at the bar. I am single, I live alone etc.... I know sad isn't it. My sister is trying to convince me to look for local clubs etc but that just sounds dull to me. I can't think that I would have anything really in common with a bunch of people who like spending there time in that way.
I am supposed to go camping over 4th of July but I am thinking that may be quite the set-up for myself as well. Sitting around a campfire.. doing??? What is it you do around a campfire at night if you are not smoking, drinking and playing cards?? Ideas??
Gah...
So I woke up this morning (late as always) and realized I had not bought anything to eat for breakfast this morning. Since I am not smoking in my car anymore I toke like 2 quick puffs before getting into the car to drive to work (no time for anything more than that). Because of the construction happening here at my work I can not use our back door to get to the only area I can use to smoke so... no smoking and no pill for me this morning. Wasn't able to get out of here until 10 to run to the store and grab a bagel and a banana so that I can take my pill. Of course I forgot that we also have no toaster here right now due to the construction which means un-toasted bagel for breakfast.
As a side note the pounding and sawing and other lovely construction noises are not putting me in the best of moods. I also just realized that I had planned on taking a week off from work after the 1st of July. Now I won't be smoking during that vacation. I am actually tempted to stay at work because it is a lot easier to not smoke here than it is sitting around at home all day for a week. I don't have the money right now to take an actual vacation. Problem is if I don't use the time then I basically will lose a whole week of vacation since I have to use it by the 1st of Sept and various other co-workers have already requested all the other days between now an then.
As a side note the pounding and sawing and other lovely construction noises are not putting me in the best of moods. I also just realized that I had planned on taking a week off from work after the 1st of July. Now I won't be smoking during that vacation. I am actually tempted to stay at work because it is a lot easier to not smoke here than it is sitting around at home all day for a week. I don't have the money right now to take an actual vacation. Problem is if I don't use the time then I basically will lose a whole week of vacation since I have to use it by the 1st of Sept and various other co-workers have already requested all the other days between now an then.
Quick Bedtime thought
I just realized I am quite scared of what things are going to be like come Quit day on Wednesday. I have been focusing all this week on ways to cut back my smoking and haven't really put a lot of thought into that I am going to be done with smoking in a few short days.
I haven't really been having a lot of cravings for smokes even now. I have continued smoking more because I still can than from any desire to do so. But... I realize in some ways I am going to really miss being a smoker. It is like letting go of that mean nasty boyfriend you know you should have left years ago but you stick around because you love them even though you know they won't change.
Cigarettes are bad for me. I know this to the very core of my being. I know I don't want to smoke anymore, but I am afraid of Wednesday coming and waking up for the first time in 25 years without a cigarette. I have only quit once before and that was years and years ago. It lasted all of about a week and I vaguely remember I cheated as well. I don't think I ever really stuck it in my head that time that I was going to quit. It was an agreement made with my sister that I don't think either of us even planed to follow through on.
I am going to follow through this time. Just writing that scares me. But I am. I kind of feel like crying just thinking about this... so off I go to bed to dream of an old friend that has to go away very soon forever.
I haven't really been having a lot of cravings for smokes even now. I have continued smoking more because I still can than from any desire to do so. But... I realize in some ways I am going to really miss being a smoker. It is like letting go of that mean nasty boyfriend you know you should have left years ago but you stick around because you love them even though you know they won't change.
Cigarettes are bad for me. I know this to the very core of my being. I know I don't want to smoke anymore, but I am afraid of Wednesday coming and waking up for the first time in 25 years without a cigarette. I have only quit once before and that was years and years ago. It lasted all of about a week and I vaguely remember I cheated as well. I don't think I ever really stuck it in my head that time that I was going to quit. It was an agreement made with my sister that I don't think either of us even planed to follow through on.
I am going to follow through this time. Just writing that scares me. But I am. I kind of feel like crying just thinking about this... so off I go to bed to dream of an old friend that has to go away very soon forever.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Morning Day 4
Went out again last night and didn't smoke much at all. I told all the people I know in the bar including my favorite bartenders that I am quitting. The word is out this time and my friends won't let me live it down if I go back on my word to myself. I know I am going to have to stay home for a while or at least only go to smoke free bars but I am hoping that won't last long. I enjoy spending time with my friends and playing pool.
Yesterday I was thinking about what I am going to do with my cig roller boobah... It is one of the expensive cig makers. I have been making my own for years now. I know the right thing to do is to give it away but of course once I do that there is no going back to smoking ever. I know that is my plan anyways but wow... Once that little $50 machine is gone there will be no going back. There was this little voice in my head saying.. give it to someone you know will give it back if you need it. But I won't ever need it again and caving to that little voice would be like a defeat before I even get started. I wonder if I should throw a going away party for it??
Feeling pretty damn good this morning. Woke up at like 11:45 and ate some food and toke my pill. Didn't have my first smoke till just after 1. Was watching ER and I thought about the smoke but didn't really feel like getting off my couch to go outside and smoke it. Now that is new.... apparently the smoke meant less to me than my laziness. Normally I can be convinced to get out of bed in the middle of the night to have a smoke. When I did finally get up and smoke it was only 1/2 a cig. Told myself I was going to smoke another when my son got back with my coffee but instead I am now sitting here typing. This Chantix stuff really does curb the cravings, I still think about smoking but I can already tell that it doesn't pull me the way it used to. And this is only Day 4 and I haven't taken a 2nd pill yet.
Yesterday I was thinking about what I am going to do with my cig roller boobah... It is one of the expensive cig makers. I have been making my own for years now. I know the right thing to do is to give it away but of course once I do that there is no going back to smoking ever. I know that is my plan anyways but wow... Once that little $50 machine is gone there will be no going back. There was this little voice in my head saying.. give it to someone you know will give it back if you need it. But I won't ever need it again and caving to that little voice would be like a defeat before I even get started. I wonder if I should throw a going away party for it??
Feeling pretty damn good this morning. Woke up at like 11:45 and ate some food and toke my pill. Didn't have my first smoke till just after 1. Was watching ER and I thought about the smoke but didn't really feel like getting off my couch to go outside and smoke it. Now that is new.... apparently the smoke meant less to me than my laziness. Normally I can be convinced to get out of bed in the middle of the night to have a smoke. When I did finally get up and smoke it was only 1/2 a cig. Told myself I was going to smoke another when my son got back with my coffee but instead I am now sitting here typing. This Chantix stuff really does curb the cravings, I still think about smoking but I can already tell that it doesn't pull me the way it used to. And this is only Day 4 and I haven't taken a 2nd pill yet.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
And on to the Morning Day 3...
Woke up super late today (possibly because I was up till 3 am). My friend from out of town stayed over and wanted to go to breakfast so I delayed taking my little pill till we got there putting it at about noon. Didn't smoke till after we ate breakfast. Was thinking I wouldn't smoke much at all today given the way that cigarrette tasted.
Then I get back to the house and for whatever bizarre reason the ex calls me. Mind you I haven't talked to him in nearly 6 months (we were together 15 years). The second I see his name pop up on my phone I felt an overwhelming desire to light up and in the 40 minutes we were on the phone I smoked 2 more. Should have told him not to call again for at least a couple months..
The phone is defiently one of those smoking related activities for me and him calling at all seriously stresses me out.. apparently phone + stress = craving
Since hanging up I haven't smoked but damn... guess I found another trouble spot.. time to cut up more fake cigarretes out of straws.
Then I get back to the house and for whatever bizarre reason the ex calls me. Mind you I haven't talked to him in nearly 6 months (we were together 15 years). The second I see his name pop up on my phone I felt an overwhelming desire to light up and in the 40 minutes we were on the phone I smoked 2 more. Should have told him not to call again for at least a couple months..
The phone is defiently one of those smoking related activities for me and him calling at all seriously stresses me out.. apparently phone + stress = craving
Since hanging up I haven't smoked but damn... guess I found another trouble spot.. time to cut up more fake cigarretes out of straws.
Amazing!!
So... my plan was originally to stay away from the bars until I was a full fledged non-smoker. Then I get a call from an old friend last night who is in town for the weekend from Seatlle and wants to get together and have a couple drinks/play some pool. I thought about it for all of 1 minute and decided what the hell... I don't actually want to forego doing things I find enjoyable and I am still in my first week of Chantix, might as well check it out now and see how hard it may prove to be.
We of course decide to go to my favorite local bar which also happens to be the most smoke filled bar I have ever been to. When you open the door there the waft of smoke that hits you is enough to make any non-smoker nearly yack on the spot. Anyhow during a normal night of drinking and playing pool I will probably smoke every 10-20 min or so making for on average nearly a full pack everytime I walk into the place. Last night I spent about 4 hours in there and only smoked 3. I admit I was at times intentionally choosing not to smoke but... I actually didn't even think much about it. I don't know if this little pill actually is a "miracle drug" or if I have simply convinced myself that it is but... either way I think I am in love with Chantix right now. I do have occasional upset tummy stuff but I pretty much always have due to my horrible diet so that is nothing new for me.
I LOVE Chantix!!!!
We of course decide to go to my favorite local bar which also happens to be the most smoke filled bar I have ever been to. When you open the door there the waft of smoke that hits you is enough to make any non-smoker nearly yack on the spot. Anyhow during a normal night of drinking and playing pool I will probably smoke every 10-20 min or so making for on average nearly a full pack everytime I walk into the place. Last night I spent about 4 hours in there and only smoked 3. I admit I was at times intentionally choosing not to smoke but... I actually didn't even think much about it. I don't know if this little pill actually is a "miracle drug" or if I have simply convinced myself that it is but... either way I think I am in love with Chantix right now. I do have occasional upset tummy stuff but I pretty much always have due to my horrible diet so that is nothing new for me.
I LOVE Chantix!!!!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Cleaned the Car
Decided I am going to stop smoking in my car now as I know this will be the toughest smoke to get rid of so might as well deal with that now while I can at least still smoke (less stressful hehe). I pretty much always light up as soon as I get in my car. It is also where I always have my first smoke of the day (in the morning on my way to work). I figure for the rest of this week if I really feel a need to smoke while driving I will force myself to actually pull over and get out of the car.
So... I scrubbed the car more thouroughly than ever, removed the ashtray (it is in the trunk now), scented the car and what not and am placing a NO SMOKING sign on my glove box so me and everyone else can see it.
My plan is to carry water in the car at all times, I have cut up a bunch of straws to chew on and I suppose keeping gum handy... talking on my cell while driving and maybe singing a lot in the car hehe...
So... I scrubbed the car more thouroughly than ever, removed the ashtray (it is in the trunk now), scented the car and what not and am placing a NO SMOKING sign on my glove box so me and everyone else can see it.
My plan is to carry water in the car at all times, I have cut up a bunch of straws to chew on and I suppose keeping gum handy... talking on my cell while driving and maybe singing a lot in the car hehe...
My Work...
Just as a little add.. I am a teacher in a residential treatment program for teens (13-18). The kids who attend the school are sentenced to our program by the Juvenile Justice System. Needless to say many of the kids have serious issues with drugs and most of them were smokers before they came here. They are not allowed to smoke in the program and for many the smell of smoke is a serious trigger. I have always felt bad about working here and the hypocrisy of me being a smoker. I know I can excuse it with the whole I am of legal age to smoke and they are not thing.. but frankly that has never cut it for me. I do my best to never allow the kids to see me smoking and to erase any traces of it before I head to my classroom; when driving to work if their van is within site of my car I will immediately get rid of my cig so none of them see me smoking but obviously many of them know I am a smoker (they can smell it etc.).
Which brings me to why I made this post, this morning after taking my pill I lit up a smoke in the car and had maybe 4 drags before I saw the boys van pulling out behind me. Thus the reason for getting rid of my first morning smoke.
Which brings me to why I made this post, this morning after taking my pill I lit up a smoke in the car and had maybe 4 drags before I saw the boys van pulling out behind me. Thus the reason for getting rid of my first morning smoke.
Last Night... This Morning
Well I was so encouraged by how I was feeling about smoking during the day yesterday but...
Last night I was right back to wanting the same number of smokes as usual, of course it was only my first day of taking Chantix so. Think taking the evening pill will help a lot, I am definetly ready to be a non-smoker.
Dreams weren't really odd at all last night but again guess we shall see. I don't think there was any of the drug left in my system by the time I went to bed after 1 am, but didn't have any more problems sleeping than I usual do which is to say I am a serious insominac as it is.
This morning I got up late as usual, threw on the first set of clothing I found on my floor, put a crossiant with ham & swiss in the microwave, made myself a few smokes grabbed a bottle of water and a bananna and headed out the door.
I ate my crossiant and drank my water so I could take my pill while driving to get my coffee... immediately after taking the pill I smoked my first cig (had to get rid of it part way to work due to work related reasons I will explain later), got my coffee and went to work. So far this morning I have only had not quite 1 full smoke all together (this isn't that unusual for me really as it is quite difficult to smoke at work)
That particular smoke didn't make me feel sick like the one yesterday after taking the pill did and neither did the one I smoked bout 40 min ago. I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach right now but it is hard to say whether that is from Chantix or just my usual slight nausea.
Last night I was right back to wanting the same number of smokes as usual, of course it was only my first day of taking Chantix so. Think taking the evening pill will help a lot, I am definetly ready to be a non-smoker.
Dreams weren't really odd at all last night but again guess we shall see. I don't think there was any of the drug left in my system by the time I went to bed after 1 am, but didn't have any more problems sleeping than I usual do which is to say I am a serious insominac as it is.
This morning I got up late as usual, threw on the first set of clothing I found on my floor, put a crossiant with ham & swiss in the microwave, made myself a few smokes grabbed a bottle of water and a bananna and headed out the door.
I ate my crossiant and drank my water so I could take my pill while driving to get my coffee... immediately after taking the pill I smoked my first cig (had to get rid of it part way to work due to work related reasons I will explain later), got my coffee and went to work. So far this morning I have only had not quite 1 full smoke all together (this isn't that unusual for me really as it is quite difficult to smoke at work)
That particular smoke didn't make me feel sick like the one yesterday after taking the pill did and neither did the one I smoked bout 40 min ago. I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach right now but it is hard to say whether that is from Chantix or just my usual slight nausea.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hrmmm..
Just stepped outside real quick to have a smoke, I almost felt ripped off. I wasn't expecting one pill to have any effect at all but that first initial drag didn't really do anything for me and now I seem to be feeling a bit sick to my stomach and generally yucky again and those feelings had subsided from when I took the pill.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to quit but I was expecting to be able to enjoy smoking for the rest of this week at the least. So much for that expectation I don't see myself having many more smokes this week... but we shall see.
Cautiously optimistic..
Don't get me wrong, I still want to quit but I was expecting to be able to enjoy smoking for the rest of this week at the least. So much for that expectation I don't see myself having many more smokes this week... but we shall see.
Cautiously optimistic..
First Pill Down... Yay!!
So back from lunch break having taken my first Chantix pill, not sure if it is all in my head or what but I am not feeling quite right. A bit dizzy and disoriented, felt a little nasuea right when I took it even though I did eat something. As my sister pointed out to me the eating alone may help me become more healthy which is my main reason for quitting smoking.
I have been a smoker for a very long time, going on 23 years now but I actually don't smoke a lot, I wonder if maybe that would account for how odd I feel right now. I didn't notice many others mentioning feeling like this but haven't read everything there is to read.
I have been a smoker for a very long time, going on 23 years now but I actually don't smoke a lot, I wonder if maybe that would account for how odd I feel right now. I didn't notice many others mentioning feeling like this but haven't read everything there is to read.
Got em yesterday...
So... spent the $139 I didn't really have to buy Chantix yesterday. I got the prescription over 2 months ago and finally got up the courage to just do it. My sisters husband quit smoking and the Chantix after just 3 weeks and I admit I am kinda hoping for similar results as I really can't afford to take this stuff for 3 months or more.
Was planning to start it first thing this morning but after reading last night about the serious need to eat food with it and realizing I have no food at all in my house I am delaying till I go on my lunch break and can get some food. The need to eat in the morning in order to take this is in itself going to be a major lifestyle change. For years the only breakfast I have ever known was my cup of coffee and cig on the way to work.
So.. exactly how much do you suppose I am going to have to eat in order to not get nausea?? Thing is I have some tendency towards an upset stomach anyhow... nerves or something I guess.
Break in 30 min and I plan to go by the store, buy a bananna, take said bannana home put it in my blender with some yogurt and milk and this JuicePlus stuff my mom got me years ago and call that a meal. If I get sick after taking it I suppose I can eat more food.
Also plan to try using my gym membership that I have been paying for the last year while barely using. Figure this will keep me busy. Suppose I will also have to stay away from the local bar I play pool at for a bit as it is the smokiest place on planet earth I believe.. (well minus that glass room at the Heathrow Airport maybe)
Was planning to start it first thing this morning but after reading last night about the serious need to eat food with it and realizing I have no food at all in my house I am delaying till I go on my lunch break and can get some food. The need to eat in the morning in order to take this is in itself going to be a major lifestyle change. For years the only breakfast I have ever known was my cup of coffee and cig on the way to work.
So.. exactly how much do you suppose I am going to have to eat in order to not get nausea?? Thing is I have some tendency towards an upset stomach anyhow... nerves or something I guess.
Break in 30 min and I plan to go by the store, buy a bananna, take said bannana home put it in my blender with some yogurt and milk and this JuicePlus stuff my mom got me years ago and call that a meal. If I get sick after taking it I suppose I can eat more food.
Also plan to try using my gym membership that I have been paying for the last year while barely using. Figure this will keep me busy. Suppose I will also have to stay away from the local bar I play pool at for a bit as it is the smokiest place on planet earth I believe.. (well minus that glass room at the Heathrow Airport maybe)
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