Thursday, December 10, 2009

How to Decide to Quit Smoking?

Someone over at the forums asked for support on getting into the right mind frame to decide to quit smoking. In trying to come up with something to say to them all I could think of was that the key to making that decision is to really think about what your reasons for smoking are and what your reasons for quitting are.

One would have thought that my mothers diagnosis of lung cancer would have been a pretty darn good reason especially given my grandmother also died of lung cancer so I obviously have a genetic predisposition to die from cancer as well. She was diagnosed with cancer in July of 08 and died in Oct.. I smoked for over a full year knowing how high my chances of getting cancer were. Looking back on that now I realize that alone is a good reason to quit realizing how much control the nico-demon had over my life. Enough to convince myself that somehow I could survive cancer better than I could survive not smoking. I even considered the bottom line that we would all die someday and why not let it be cancer. Seeing the reality of that at least took that lie away from me.. cer.

The whole month after she died my nico-demon was working on convincing me that just because cancer got her didn't mean it would get me and who knows maybe by the time I got cancer (she was 70) there would be a cure for it...

Now that I am free I can realize how ridiculous my excuses for continuing to smoke really were and what was really behind them. It wasn't a love for cigarettes it was addiction pure and simple and nothing but me should be controlling me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Afraid to Quit??

I posted this over at forum and wanted to cross post so as not to lose it in the mess of that forum..

Planning for your quit is super important but don't give yourself to much time to think about quitting before you do it. I know for me the whole thoughts of quitting are much scarier than the actual quit somehow... not to say it isn't hard because obviously it is but quitting isn't nearly as scary is my nico-demon made it out to be before I actually took the plunge. I think in a lot of ways it is very similar to a lot of "scary things" people do in their lives. Like jumping into a cool lake during a hot summer.. if you work yourself up to much you won't end up doing it... Sometimes you have to just take the plunge and then you will realize how wonderful and refreshing the water is.

Smoking Triggers

Been fairly busy at work today and trying to at least post a few encouraging words over at the quit smoking forums.

There have been a couple of rough patches through out the day but overall I am feeling better today than I did yesterday. I seem to be hungry all the time right now :(

I know it is just that empty missing something feeling but I need to be careful not to eat the equivalent of 20 tons of food everyday.

Anyhow.. On Day 4 of the New Chantix Get Quit program they recommend people make a list of their triggers so I did my best to come up with all of mine.. and there are many, as I said last quit “sometimes it seems like my life is just one big smoking trigger, it is not like I ever really needed a reason to smoke. What I have always been needing is a reason not to smoke” Well it seems now I have that reason.

If I really look at my smoking there are certainly some things (okay many things) that make me want to smoke more than others... in no particular order they would be...
· First thing in the morning
· Bored
· Leaving work
· Driving
· After Meals
· At the Bar
· On the Phone
· Relaxing - On computer or after work etc.
· Strong Emotions - esp when I am angry/frustrated or tense.
· Playing Cards
· Other Smokers
· Reward - After completed task like cleaning the house etc.

The Reward thing seems to be a huge one and one that is hard for me to get past. I actually managed to convince myself at some point that since I have been smoke free for 3 days I deserved a cigarrete, fortunately I saw the nico-demons lies for what they were.. but wow that was tempting.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Reasons For Quitting!

Time for something not so fun and amusing to read in my blog.. if you are looking to be cheered up skip this entry.

So on Day 2 of taking Chantix you are supposed to list out your reasons for quitting. I looked back at my old list and most of the reasons are still the same except one. And that one is my MAIN motivation for quitting for good this time.

And also the biggest change in my life.

I lost my mother to lung cancer on October 25th of this year. I wasn’t ready to lose her. I watched the strongest woman I have ever known in my life wither away. I tried to take care of her as much as I could and my sister tried even more but neither of us could really take care of her in the one way we wanted to. We couldn’t make her better. It killed my mother to have us taking care of her in some ways I think. As I said she was always the strongest person I have known and she always took care of me. While my mother certainly died with grace and courage the reality is there is nothing pretty or romantic about your life ending with Lung Cancer. Telling myself we are all going to die someday doesn’t work anymore as a reason to continue smoking. I don’t want to die the way she died gasping for breath. I don’t want to put my loved ones through what I just went through and every time I lit up after she died the picture in my mind would turn to the look in her eyes during those last minutes of life. I simply can never smoke again.
Any other reasons I may have for quitting are all good and valid ones but my mother trumps them all.

If any of you are looking for a good reason to quit drop me a line. I would be happy to tell you the realities of lung cancer and thinking that it won’t happen to you or the silly notion that we will all die someday pales in comparison to the realities of the horrible disease.

The First Days of My Quit Journey

My Chantix journey this time started out a bit rough. I guess when I first started taking it I hadn’t really committed to quitting so I started taking the ½ pill on November 24th. But did not take it every day; I would make excuses why I couldn’t take it for a day. Once I realized that it had already been 5 days I decided to take it a bit more seriously and actually set a Quit Date for the following Saturday and signed up for the Chantix Get Quit program which I found helpful during my last quit. My boyfriend and my sister are both quitting with me so I do feel like I have some support this time around though it does seem I try to pick fights with poor L. But hey I am working on not doing that I swear.

My Quit Day was Sunday December 8th and I have not had another smoke since I went to bed on Saturday Night.

On Quit Day L and I still had 5 smokes left and I simply could not bring myself to get rid them so they are still sitting next to my door till I decide what to do with them. I know I should flush them but that is somehow so scary. I know all to well the panic that would set in as a smoker when I realized I was out of cigs and I am worried that same panic will set in if I toss them. Strange since last time I had none in the house and I remember being fine. Therefore I know this is once again the ugly nico-demon in me keeping me from tossing them.

I Am Back :(

Well it has been a long time and as you can tell by the title of my blog I did start smoking again..

Obviously much has changed in my life since I last posted to this blog on Aug 10th, 2007. I met the love of my life L. on the 14th of August, 2007 (yeah the last guy had to go he was I fear a bit of a nut job) L and I are still together today. He was a smoker when we met and I was not but that didn’t bother me at the time and didn’t seem to make it any harder for me to stay quit in the beginning.

I made it as a non-smoker for about 6 months. Until December of 2007 and then for reasons unknown to me or anyone else I slowly started smoking again. Actually I suppose the first drag happened much earlier than that. During a show at Red Rocks outside Boulder in September. Then a couple more drags here and there. Maybe at a bar when someone left one burning and I thought aww… what the hell I have been doing great it won’t make any difference.

I know, I know the motto… not another drag EVER!! But hey aren’t I different from everyone else? (Yeah Right!!)

Then on a cold day in December as I was getting ready to leave to my sisters house to decorate the tree I decided to grab one of my boyfriends partially smoked cigarettes from the front porch and take it with me for the drive. I don’t remember what I was thinking at the time or why I would do such a stupid thing though I do remember that I was not particularly stressed or anything at the time. It was just a really stupid decision that I made. After that it was a whole smoke here or there just because until 1 day several weeks later I realized I was a smoker again. That I indeed was not different; that it is true you can't have another puff EVER!

Maybe I should have stayed on the Chantix longer? Whatever lead me to smoke again I know the truth now. I can never smoke again not even one.

I have decided to go through and read all of my old posts to get a feel for the differences if there are any between this time and last time. I will also try to make my first couple of posts an overview of the last years as well as how each day is going.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Camping Weekend

Sorry to show up and then disappear yet again but I am off to go camping again this weekend.