Well the nap didn't happen this afternoon but I did take Maggie's advice and picked up some granola bars and bananas to eat with my pills. I got home ate took the pills, tried to pick up my house after the debauchery of last night and then smoked my first cigarette of the day.
So my lack of sleep last night ended up definitely being bad as I forgot I had CPR training at work today and of course they have changed it to where you have to do nearly 10 minutes of actual compressions. That is hard work especially when you haven't slept and are in the middle of quitting smoking. And the CPR trainer apparently didn't read my blog... she kept us there far longer than was necessary or wise.
I finally got home at like 4 having still smoked only one cig, a friend called and I went to pick up her up from work and didn't get around to my 2nd smoke until nearly 5.
Got myself some food because I was fairly hungry but only ate like half of it had smoke #3. I decided a nap sounded just plain necessary but didn't wake up till 10 pm. Not having the energy to really make or find a full meal I ate a granola bar and what was left of my sandwich, took my pill and had my 4th smoke. Now it is after 11. I am thinking I will have yet another cig and go to bed..
for a Grand Total of 5 cigarettes all day.
I don't really feel like I need to smoke before bed so why am I doing it? Just because I still can?? That is where my thought process is now. I think I am really gonna need to work on that whole one hour/day at a time thing come Thursday. I am a bit scared. It all feels so easy right now but I know a big part of that is because I know that I can smoke before I go to bed if I want. All I am really doing right now is putting off the smoke not telling myself I can't smoke again. It is a different mind set and I know it. Not sure my mind can be so easily tricked into just doing the one day at a time thing. I know better... I have committed myself to not smoking again ever and yet I can't quite wrap my brain around that thought and I am scared that when the day comes that I can't smoke again I will go into total panic mode. Kind of like when you realize you have ran out of smokes and suddenly there is nothing more important in the world than having one. For me in those moments I would swear I am willing to do anything for a single cigarette
And I am rambling I know what I am trying to say but the words aren't quite following so I will stop now maybe tomorrow these thoughts will be clearer. Off to smoke a pointless cig and go to bed.
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4 comments:
Whew! Hope you finally got some decent sleep. I understand that there is a huge line between "on Chantix and still smoking" (glad for that transition time) vs. "made the leap, not smoking." I sometimes smoked in that stage just because I knew I could - and I'm kind of glad I did, honestly, because now I'm not "allowed." Still, if I try to think of smoking Never, as in Never Ever, I can't do this - so I refuse to think about the not smoking thing much beyond today. You know, that one day at a time thing. It works.
I definetly did get a lot of sleep.
Hopefully I can figure out some good tricks to make my mind believe the whole one day at a time thing. I know it works simply from working with addicted teens. But the whole actually doing it seems an entirely different matter.
Hey, I had exactly the same thing!! The last cig or two before bed on day 4 or 5 seemed so pointless, I didn't really want it....so day 6 I was like, hell no, I ain't smoking no more.
Don't stress about how you WILL feel. The truth is that you will actually not stress out about not smoking anymore.
I so hope you are right Stan.. Thank you!!
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