Well overall I had a pretty good weekend. Not really any strong urges to smoke and I seem to be doing well taking just 1mg of Chantix at around 4pm (or later) with food. I know there has been some concern expressed regarding adjusting the medication but my thought was mostly just that I started out taking only .5 mg 1x a day, moved up to 1mg 2x a day and ended up on 2 mg 2x a day so slowly going back to what I started on is financially speaking best for me and as long as I am able to maintain my quit on 1 mg I may even start cutting the pills in half starting next week. I am still afraid to not take Chantix at all but given the couple times I have forgotten my daily dose I do think I am ready to do so if I had to.
While I didn't really have any strong cravings I did find myself continually allowing myself to think about the whole "rest of my life as a non-smoker" thing. That is where it is gets hard for me. I miss my friends and I miss my favorite bar, and I miss, and I miss... you get the picture :) As I have said pretty much all of my friends are smokers and while I did okay the other night at the pub with a couple people smoking around me I am not sure if I will ever be ready to hang out and play pool in my favorite smoky bar with all my favorite smoking friends and not smoke myself. I actually cried again for a bit this weekend when I thought about never getting to smoke again. It is like a grieving process only I feel guilty for grieving at all because smoking is not something that is worthy of grieving for. I suppose right now in terms of stages of grief I am wavering between Bargaining and Depression. The addict is still in the bargaining stage trying to come up with new reasons why I can smoke and my logical brain has moved on to depression realizing that I have lost one of my longest standing friends (the cigarette) and can never see them again.
The evil little addict brain loves grabbing hold of all of this and putting evil thoughts in my head. I know it is lying to me but that doesn't make it all that much easier to ignore. For example... I was walking through the grocery store on Friday I think when it occurred to me that I would "someday" light another cigarette, that there was no conceivable way that I was NEVER going to slip up; so why am I even bothering to not smoke now when I would eventually become a smoker again anyways. There are also those evil little thoughts that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about how nice it would be to have just one cigarette and how miserable that will make me FOREVER; so in the end shouldn't I just smoke and be happy rather than think about smoking all my life and be miserable. Mind you I know all of this isn't true, I know logically that it is just my addiction talking but knowing that doesn't seem to shut that stupid voice up!!
Ahh and on to the one great urge I did make it past this weekend. Saturday night new boy invited me to go see a movie with him. (A movie they kept smoking in) When the movie was finally over and I walked out of that theater I actually stuck my hand in my purse to pull out my pack of smokes before I remembered I had quit and didn't have any. I am so thankful that he quit smoking when he started hanging out with me and seems to be having such an easy time with it. If he had lit up a smoke that may have been the end of my quit. Then again maybe not...
Don't get me wrong in all of this. I still feel just as committed to quitting as I ever did and I have no intention of ever smoking again just another recognition that this is $%#*& hard as hell. The whole idea of cigarettes really pisses me off right now. How can we as a society be okay with companies making things like cigarettes and not do anything about them chaining people to such an evil addiction that will almost surely kill them and definitely make them feel like crap. I am really really wishing I had never started smoking right now.
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5 comments:
Lakasha, you are doing awesome! Know that I have those same kinds of thoughts. It's normal (well, OK, coming from me, maybe it's not). Having the evil smoking thoughts is vastly different from actually lighting up. I do everything I can stick with the one day at a time thing and to push aside the "forever" not smoking thought that drives me so batty because, like you, I can't quite wrap my mind around it. Yet. If we both keep hanging in there and don't smoke, we will get there.
About the dosing, it sounds to me like you are carefully thinking through your options and choosing the one that you think will most likely lead to your success. I think if I knew I wasn't going to be able to get another packet, I'd probably do as you are doing - maintain on a smaller dose for a longer time as opposed to the full dose for a shorter time. Makes sense to me. Having the luxury of paying just a co-pay for my Chantix, of course I'm going with the full dose 3 month plan. I think it's incredibly unfair how things like this work (biting tongue and will not mention SiCKO, ouch).
In any case, if you have a decent doctor, especially one who has had a few or more patients on Chantix, it might be worth a call just to see what they think or if they have had others do the same (or happen to have free samples). I do know that I've read people's doctors telling them to take lower dose due to side effects, and like you said about ramping up, it can't really be dangerous, just hopefully still just effective enough for you to do your thing!
Hey, you are calling him "new boy" now. That was funny. I have a friend getting married to "neighbor boy," and I always think that before I can ever remember his actual name.
I've been out of the country for work for a couple weeks, but I'm so happy to check in and see how well you are doing! Excellent! The fact that you are having those thoughs but ignoring them is so damn hardcore! You rock.
God, Lakasha, where do you find those boys? I wish I had that many new boys in my life :)
I am very impressed by how well you are doing! I am very excited for your amazing future!
Thanks All... for the most part I feel like I am doing great though I really do wish that I could silence the "voices" just a wee little bit.
And Stan... this boy is particularly sweet I tell ya you find them in Ashland.. there are far to many beautiful people here. You will have to come visit sometime.
Hey Lakasha, I know just how you feel (I'm sure we all do!). In fact, that little evil Addict voice was the reason that I relapsed the last time I tried to quit, when I was on the patch. It just got too loud for me to ignore. In fact, I had it in my head that the quit was only temporary, and that once I was older (like in my 40s) I would be able to just start smoking again because at that point who cares anyway right? Sounds so idiotic now... hehe :)
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