Well if I am not mistaken this is my 3 week mark. Something is going on with day counting and I am not sure what.. my counter says tomorrow is 3 weeks my head says today.
Anyhow I made it through yet another one of those days that would have had me chain smoking yesterday. I am still amazed overall with Chantix and with myself as I certainly never thought I could actually be successful in quitting smoking. Any "attempt" I have made in the past has lasted less than 8 hours... I was so committed to smoking I was the epitome of a hardcore smoker. I smoked through my grandmother dying of lung cancer, I smoked through my mother being diagnosed with emphysema and quitting herself, I smoked through my son crying and begging me not to kill myself, I smoked through upper respiratory infections, mild COPD and any other number of clear reasons to quit and now here I am SOOO committed to never smoking again. I don't care how Chantix works, I am just so thankful that it does.
Monday night while I was attempting to type up another blog I saw a light out in my driveway. I live in a pretty out of the way little back alley in the middle of town so there shouldn't be anyone wandering around out there. I thought it was my son and called out to him only to see someone hop out of his car and take off running down my long driveway. Needless to say that kind of freaked me out a bit... so I went outside looked around and locked up my car.
So.... when I get up yesterday morning to head to work (late as I almost always am) I go to open my car door and of course it is locked and there my keys sit inside the car under the coffee cup holder where I always put them when I get home. My passenger side window was down maybe an inch or so... I pushed it down another inch maybe for a grand total of 2 inches of room.. I then frantically went through my house grabbing and trying all sorts of things in an attempt to get in the car and somehow make it to work. About 10 min into this new boy hears me (yes he has been sleeping at my house probably more often than is good this early) and asks what is wrong... he gets up and somehow... miraculously manages to push the window enough to squeeze his very long arms in to unlock the door. Yay!!! Only now I am 20 minutes late to work and I have no coffee. Part way through my workday "the boss" who has basically been canceling our staff meetings for months suddenly says she wants to all meet after work today. (hrmm does this coincide with me being late again?). At the meeting she talks about how many people are complaining about being overworked and of course underpaid and she believes it is time to start "looking at roles and responsibilities" and "how we can become more efficient". Mind you I certainly feel underpaid.. but I would never complain about being overworked and I can't help but think that this discussion is being directed at me. I spend most of my day surfing the internet and have for a while now. Anyhow.. I will stop boring you all with the details...
My point in rambling about all of this is... Yesterday was Massively Massively.. stressful... when our "meeting" was finally over I walked to the car and contemplated finding just a little butt somewhere to smoke... maybe my "permanent couch guest" left one somewhere? I drove home frantically chewing on my straw (which I haven't touched in weeks) and drinking my water and wondering what made me EVER think I wanted to quit. Nearly crying "I don't want to" as if some outer force was making me do this... I fought with myself the whole way home. I got home and collapsed on my couch but.... I didn't look for that butt somewhere, I didn't stop and buy smokes and I didn't smoke. I stayed there for about 20 minutes or so then I got up put my gym clothes on and headed to the gym. I stayed there until nearly 8 pm. I even went to a Yoga class which I wouldn't have normally considered and it did kinda help I think. Then I went home took my shower and picked up new boy from work and headed back to my house to watch a movie.
In other words.... I made it through yet another day. Definitely some days in this journey our easier than others. And their have been days that I have thought for sure there was no way in hell I was gonna make it as a non-smoker. But I have. And if I can make it through the days like yesterday I know I can make it through anyday...
it is just a matter of actually NOT SMOKING!!
No matter what.... no matter how hard it seems.... the reality is that I actually do not need to smoke.
It turns out that despite that evil little addict, demon, evil, evil voice in my head telling me that I will simply die if I don't light up a cigarette the reality is that I won't.
Not smoking will not kill me... and I will make it and I will survive each individual craving no matter how bad they seem at the time they will pass.
That is the realization I came to yesterday. Knowing this makes me stronger overall and what is going to make each day easier probably isn't going to be that I will miss smoking less and less... but that I will realize more and more that I really genuinely don't need nicotine.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
Go, Lakasha! Those are the kind of days when we show ourselves just how tough we are and that, no matter what, you can totally do this. And have been. For 3 weeks!
The counting thing gets screwed up because most of us are counting that very first and very big deal day as Day One, even though it's not until the next day that we can really actually say that we hadn't smoked for one whole day in the 24 hour sense. So, we're basically one day off from there on out.
But, whatever, all that matters is that we didn't smoke today and keep doing it knowing that the days are still adding up to weeks and more.
Great Job!!!! Talk about coming through when the "fit hits the shan"!!! Great to see someone making it work and I won't forget that it can be done because that time will come for me as well. Thanks.
Yeah Lakasha! You guys are really giving me hope!
On a stress-related note, I just got very annoyed with my S.O. and thought, dammit, this makes me want to smoke. And then I thought, oh, yeah, I haven't quit yet. And then I didn't smoke anyway. Just on principle.
Awesome. You are strong!
I love ellie's comment! That's hilarious and tough.
Good for you, Lakasha. I'm wicked impressed.
But what the heck was up with somebody in the car last night?
Yeah.. pretty sketchy eh. Nothing was actually missing as far as we can tell but then both me and my son don't exactly keep clean cars... so who really knows.
My son thinks it was the neighbor kid who he says is a total junkie. The kid came to the house the other day trying to buy pot from my son and wouldn't leave when Ian told him he didn't even smoke and to go away.
Your doing great and glad you can get through stress.
Gives me something to look forward too that its successful to you. :-)
Lakasha, you amaze me! Rah rah!!
Btw, I linked a friend cross-country who is having quit difficutly to your blog. She's HELLA cool. Maybe she'll stop in and you can give her a pep talk?
Cool.. tell her to email me or whatever I am always up for giving a friend a pep talk...
Glad to see you found my blog btw Ona ;)
Post a Comment