Yup it has officially been a full month since I last lit a cigarette. I am truly amazed that I made it through and I really do think the toughest part must be behind me now (right?)!!
I decided against taking the Chantix before going sailing. I was somewhat concerned that after not taking it for a bit maybe it would make me feel nauseous or something and I wanted to actually enjoy myself. After a bit of thought I have decided to not start taking the Chantix again at all unless something goes horribly wrong. I don't feel any more or less depressed from not taking the Chantix so despite what others have written I think for me the anxiety/depression is definitely related to the quit not the Chantix. I know for sure it made it easier for me to quit in the beginning but at this point I am not feeling any greater urges without the Chantix than I was with it. Of course I have always been a non-believer when it comes to medication and have always wondered how much of any pills effects are from the pill itself and how much are from our willingness to believe something "is working". Don’t get me wrong I believe Chantix helped me a lot but I am just not convinced I still need to be taking it after the initial physical withdrawal from nicotine has passed. I have started to develop new habits to replace the old. It is my belief that most of the issues with being a non-smoker I am going to have from here on out are more about behavioral cues than anything else and it is up to me to not smoke. Hopefully this decision won't come back to haunt me in the months to come but for now I am at my one month of not smoking and I am officially off Chantix. I have a couple pills left from my first months supply and I will keep a hold of them for the time being.
So I spent all day Monday sailing with my chain smoker friend and once again didn't smoke. There were actually several people around me smoking and I was fine with no urges that took more than a couple deep breaths to fight. After sailing we headed to another friends house for a barbecue and margaritas. I had a couple drinks and at one point someone even handed me a lit smoke. (One of those unthinking moments for them) I laughed... and handed it back to them. Sometimes I really can't believe that I am okay with not smoking as often as I am. The hardest part for me isn't even the cravings which come and go easily enough; it is that I still feel like I am grieving for a lost friend. I can't seem to shake this general feeling of unease. I can't even really seem to figure out what is causing it.
I know there are a lot of huge life changes and other stuff happening right now that is causing a great deal of anxiety. My son graduated from high school in June so our relationship has changed a lot. My job has suddenly changed drastically and not really for the better. I am basically completely broke right now, new boy (started dating pretty much the day I quit smoking) seems to be VERY attached to me already causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed. And… my backyard is over run with weeds. I haven’t watered my favorite star jasmine plants all summer and now for some bizarre reason if I even look out my back window I feel like crying because I have killed them. I know they are plants and it is silly to mourn them as well but I feel like I am mourning for so many parts of my life right now. Makes me wonder why I thought now was a good time to quit smoking but the reality is no time was ever going to be a "good time" so now was as good as any.
I am going to continue to document how things are going for me as a non-smoker and will of course let you all know if any odd things happen from going off Chantix but as I am sure you have already noticed I won't be posting as often (though it is likely I will have a lot to say when I do)
7 comments:
How very awesome, Lakasha! Congrats on both reaching a month and also now doing it under your own steam without the help of Chantix. At this point, truly, you know that you can just keep right on going.
I do understand about mourning a lost friend. I do miss the things about smoking that were enjoyable, of course I do because it was such a part of my life for so long. A part of who I was: I was Maggie, a girl of whatever age, with interests that included whatever they were, and I was a smoker. While I do think there will always be a part of me with a fondness for some of the memories of the enjoyment, I also believe that I can create some new parts of me in its place, and I'm looking forward to that. Even now, part of my identity is someone still in this process of quitting smoking, while already a non-smoker but not really thinking about that without thinking that I used to smoke - if that made any sense ;) Someday, I just hope to not think about it at all - I mean I don't sit around thinking about the fact that I'm not related to anyone who lives in Boise, ID, even though it's a fact, do I?
As you said, this is journey that will continue, and I wish you continued success. I do hope that you will still keep updating. I love hearing about your success!
Just keep going!
Grief. That's what it is your feeling. Grief over your identity as a smoker. Forging a new identity is difficult and exciting and scary.
I think it's important to feel the grief over what you have lost. Because I think we lose a part of ourselves when we give up smoking. For me it was part of my identity as a young rebel. Okay, so I'm 33 years old and it was time to let that go, but there was still grief.
For more support on quitting smoking visit the support group at BlogFabuous. Lots of people there talking about grief and discovering new identities as non-smokers.
Tracee Sioux
BlogFabulous on Chantix
http://www.blogfabulous.com/chantix
So Sioux Me on Addiction Off
http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2007/07/addiction-off.html
Dear Lakasha,
I am beyond sappy about plants -no pun intended- I cried for a week after my mom cut down a ragged old willow that had been blighting her yard for years.
Huge congratulations to you on your month + quit. I do hope you will continue to check in here - those of us behind you in the journey really benefit from reading about your experience.
Be well!
-E
Hi Lakasha! Just wanted to drop by to let you know I was thinking about you and hoping all is still fabulous!
Congrats, Lakasha! I really, really am glad you stuck to your quit. In the beginning it may be hard to see why we are doing it, even reminding of the original reasons we quit doesn't help that much at times. But it will all start soon making sense!
I wish you could blog a little more often! At least, now, when you're still fresh off cigarettes.
Hi
I am glad you are not smoking!! But I want to warn you---you may start again if you dont use all your chantix! I did after 22 weeks of not smoking, I used chantix for 1 month and decided I didnt need it!! boy was I wrong!!! I am back smoking a pack a day, started without any problem at all!!! I am going back on chantix!!!
Check out the book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr. It will help you keep your head in the right place.
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