Celebration!!! First Month as a Non-Smoker

Yup it has officially been a full month since I last lit a cigarette. I am truly amazed that I made it through and I really do think the toughest part must be behind me now (right?)!!

I decided against taking the Chantix before going sailing. I was somewhat concerned that after not taking it for a bit maybe it would make me feel nauseous or something and I wanted to actually enjoy myself. After a bit of thought I have decided to not start taking the Chantix again at all unless something goes horribly wrong. I don't feel any more or less depressed from not taking the Chantix so despite what others have written I think for me the anxiety/depression is definitely related to the quit not the Chantix. I know for sure it made it easier for me to quit in the beginning but at this point I am not feeling any greater urges without the Chantix than I was with it. Of course I have always been a non-believer when it comes to medication and have always wondered how much of any pills effects are from the pill itself and how much are from our willingness to believe something "is working". Don’t get me wrong I believe Chantix helped me a lot but I am just not convinced I still need to be taking it after the initial physical withdrawal from nicotine has passed. I have started to develop new habits to replace the old. It is my belief that most of the issues with being a non-smoker I am going to have from here on out are more about behavioral cues than anything else and it is up to me to not smoke. Hopefully this decision won't come back to haunt me in the months to come but for now I am at my one month of not smoking and I am officially off Chantix. I have a couple pills left from my first months supply and I will keep a hold of them for the time being.

So I spent all day Monday sailing with my chain smoker friend and once again didn't smoke. There were actually several people around me smoking and I was fine with no urges that took more than a couple deep breaths to fight. After sailing we headed to another friends house for a barbecue and margaritas. I had a couple drinks and at one point someone even handed me a lit smoke. (One of those unthinking moments for them) I laughed... and handed it back to them. Sometimes I really can't believe that I am okay with not smoking as often as I am. The hardest part for me isn't even the cravings which come and go easily enough; it is that I still feel like I am grieving for a lost friend. I can't seem to shake this general feeling of unease. I can't even really seem to figure out what is causing it.

I know there are a lot of huge life changes and other stuff happening right now that is causing a great deal of anxiety. My son graduated from high school in June so our relationship has changed a lot. My job has suddenly changed drastically and not really for the better. I am basically completely broke right now, new boy (started dating pretty much the day I quit smoking) seems to be VERY attached to me already causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed. And… my backyard is over run with weeds. I haven’t watered my favorite star jasmine plants all summer and now for some bizarre reason if I even look out my back window I feel like crying because I have killed them. I know they are plants and it is silly to mourn them as well but I feel like I am mourning for so many parts of my life right now. Makes me wonder why I thought now was a good time to quit smoking but the reality is no time was ever going to be a "good time" so now was as good as any.

I am going to continue to document how things are going for me as a non-smoker and will of course let you all know if any odd things happen from going off Chantix but as I am sure you have already noticed I won't be posting as often (though it is likely I will have a lot to say when I do)

Forgot My Chantix... Again - Day 26 Quit/Day 33 Chantix

Well... I got off work Friday at around 1:00 and headed home to pack up and go to our favorite primitive campsite for the weekend (Cook and Green for those familiar with Southern Oregon which is about an hour away). New boy also decided to join me and meet my whole family there though he had to work the next day.

I had been taking my pills at around 3ish for a bit now so I hadn't taken one yet. I got everything together and headed out for my fun weekend. When we arrived there everyone else was already set up with their spots picked for tents (grr they stole my favorite spot). I set up my tent went down to the water to cool off and then came back up to grab a bite to eat, some water and my Chantix. This is when I discovered that my Chantix was not with me but rather sitting somewhere at home. Not much to do for it now I suppose.

So I have officially gone an entire weekend without Chantix. Maybe it was because I was camping but I actually made it through just fine. My sister still smokes and I admit there were a couple of times where I had actually convinced myself to just take one drag of her cigarette to "see what it would be like" but I never quite got around to asking her and am of course glad I didn't. When I would on occasion get a strong urge to smoke I just took a couple breaths and did something else for a few minutes.

It is now Monday afternoon, I am supposed to go sailing today for the first time since I quit with an old "special friend" of mine who is definitely a chain smoker and several of his friends who are also smokers. I have found my Chantix but still haven't taken one and I am trying to decide if I should take it or not. After not taking any all weekend is it going to make me feel weird I wonder? Will just one pill before going sailing make spending time around everyone easier?? These are the things I am currently questioning.

Ohhhhhhh and I forgot to add to my post.... Thursday night I was feeling VERY brave and good about my quit and decided it was time to test how committed I was. So I got ready and headed to my favorite bar The Beau Club... (that is right the one I keep talking about as the smokiest, dingiest bar in town). My plan was to have a few drinks, play pool and see how I did with being in a place so associated with smoking for me. Well.... my plan worked for the most part. I had my drinks and sat next to the pool table watching my smoker friends smoke and play and while I felt odd not smoking I actually had no real desire to light up at all more just the recognition that I would normally be smoking at certain times. Of course when my name finally came up on the table to play the frickin table broke so I wasn't able to really test myself. We headed to a different bar where I proceeded to drink and play pool till after 1 am AND... that is right.... I didn't smoke at all :)

3 Weeks!! - Day 21 Quit/Day 28 Chantix

Well if I am not mistaken this is my 3 week mark. Something is going on with day counting and I am not sure what.. my counter says tomorrow is 3 weeks my head says today.

Anyhow I made it through yet another one of those days that would have had me chain smoking yesterday. I am still amazed overall with Chantix and with myself as I certainly never thought I could actually be successful in quitting smoking. Any "attempt" I have made in the past has lasted less than 8 hours... I was so committed to smoking I was the epitome of a hardcore smoker. I smoked through my grandmother dying of lung cancer, I smoked through my mother being diagnosed with emphysema and quitting herself, I smoked through my son crying and begging me not to kill myself, I smoked through upper respiratory infections, mild COPD and any other number of clear reasons to quit and now here I am SOOO committed to never smoking again. I don't care how Chantix works, I am just so thankful that it does.

Monday night while I was attempting to type up another blog I saw a light out in my driveway. I live in a pretty out of the way little back alley in the middle of town so there shouldn't be anyone wandering around out there. I thought it was my son and called out to him only to see someone hop out of his car and take off running down my long driveway. Needless to say that kind of freaked me out a bit... so I went outside looked around and locked up my car.

So.... when I get up yesterday morning to head to work (late as I almost always am) I go to open my car door and of course it is locked and there my keys sit inside the car under the coffee cup holder where I always put them when I get home. My passenger side window was down maybe an inch or so... I pushed it down another inch maybe for a grand total of 2 inches of room.. I then frantically went through my house grabbing and trying all sorts of things in an attempt to get in the car and somehow make it to work. About 10 min into this new boy hears me (yes he has been sleeping at my house probably more often than is good this early) and asks what is wrong... he gets up and somehow... miraculously manages to push the window enough to squeeze his very long arms in to unlock the door. Yay!!! Only now I am 20 minutes late to work and I have no coffee. Part way through my workday "the boss" who has basically been canceling our staff meetings for months suddenly says she wants to all meet after work today. (hrmm does this coincide with me being late again?). At the meeting she talks about how many people are complaining about being overworked and of course underpaid and she believes it is time to start "looking at roles and responsibilities" and "how we can become more efficient". Mind you I certainly feel underpaid.. but I would never complain about being overworked and I can't help but think that this discussion is being directed at me. I spend most of my day surfing the internet and have for a while now. Anyhow.. I will stop boring you all with the details...

My point in rambling about all of this is... Yesterday was Massively Massively.. stressful... when our "meeting" was finally over I walked to the car and contemplated finding just a little butt somewhere to smoke... maybe my "permanent couch guest" left one somewhere? I drove home frantically chewing on my straw (which I haven't touched in weeks) and drinking my water and wondering what made me EVER think I wanted to quit. Nearly crying "I don't want to" as if some outer force was making me do this... I fought with myself the whole way home. I got home and collapsed on my couch but.... I didn't look for that butt somewhere, I didn't stop and buy smokes and I didn't smoke. I stayed there for about 20 minutes or so then I got up put my gym clothes on and headed to the gym. I stayed there until nearly 8 pm. I even went to a Yoga class which I wouldn't have normally considered and it did kinda help I think. Then I went home took my shower and picked up new boy from work and headed back to my house to watch a movie.

In other words.... I made it through yet another day. Definitely some days in this journey our easier than others. And their have been days that I have thought for sure there was no way in hell I was gonna make it as a non-smoker. But I have. And if I can make it through the days like yesterday I know I can make it through anyday...

it is just a matter of actually NOT SMOKING!!

No matter what.... no matter how hard it seems.... the reality is that I actually do not need to smoke.

It turns out that despite that evil little addict, demon, evil, evil voice in my head telling me that I will simply die if I don't light up a cigarette the reality is that I won't.

Not smoking will not kill me... and I will make it and I will survive each individual craving no matter how bad they seem at the time they will pass.

That is the realization I came to yesterday. Knowing this makes me stronger overall and what is going to make each day easier probably isn't going to be that I will miss smoking less and less... but that I will realize more and more that I really genuinely don't need nicotine.

Decent Weekend - Day 19 Quit/Day 26 Chantix

Well overall I had a pretty good weekend. Not really any strong urges to smoke and I seem to be doing well taking just 1mg of Chantix at around 4pm (or later) with food. I know there has been some concern expressed regarding adjusting the medication but my thought was mostly just that I started out taking only .5 mg 1x a day, moved up to 1mg 2x a day and ended up on 2 mg 2x a day so slowly going back to what I started on is financially speaking best for me and as long as I am able to maintain my quit on 1 mg I may even start cutting the pills in half starting next week. I am still afraid to not take Chantix at all but given the couple times I have forgotten my daily dose I do think I am ready to do so if I had to.

While I didn't really have any strong cravings I did find myself continually allowing myself to think about the whole "rest of my life as a non-smoker" thing. That is where it is gets hard for me. I miss my friends and I miss my favorite bar, and I miss, and I miss... you get the picture :) As I have said pretty much all of my friends are smokers and while I did okay the other night at the pub with a couple people smoking around me I am not sure if I will ever be ready to hang out and play pool in my favorite smoky bar with all my favorite smoking friends and not smoke myself. I actually cried again for a bit this weekend when I thought about never getting to smoke again. It is like a grieving process only I feel guilty for grieving at all because smoking is not something that is worthy of grieving for. I suppose right now in terms of stages of grief I am wavering between Bargaining and Depression. The addict is still in the bargaining stage trying to come up with new reasons why I can smoke and my logical brain has moved on to depression realizing that I have lost one of my longest standing friends (the cigarette) and can never see them again.

The evil little addict brain loves grabbing hold of all of this and putting evil thoughts in my head. I know it is lying to me but that doesn't make it all that much easier to ignore. For example... I was walking through the grocery store on Friday I think when it occurred to me that I would "someday" light another cigarette, that there was no conceivable way that I was NEVER going to slip up; so why am I even bothering to not smoke now when I would eventually become a smoker again anyways. There are also those evil little thoughts that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about how nice it would be to have just one cigarette and how miserable that will make me FOREVER; so in the end shouldn't I just smoke and be happy rather than think about smoking all my life and be miserable. Mind you I know all of this isn't true, I know logically that it is just my addiction talking but knowing that doesn't seem to shut that stupid voice up!!

Ahh and on to the one great urge I did make it past this weekend. Saturday night new boy invited me to go see a movie with him. (A movie they kept smoking in) When the movie was finally over and I walked out of that theater I actually stuck my hand in my purse to pull out my pack of smokes before I remembered I had quit and didn't have any. I am so thankful that he quit smoking when he started hanging out with me and seems to be having such an easy time with it. If he had lit up a smoke that may have been the end of my quit. Then again maybe not...

Don't get me wrong in all of this. I still feel just as committed to quitting as I ever did and I have no intention of ever smoking again just another recognition that this is $%#*& hard as hell. The whole idea of cigarettes really pisses me off right now. How can we as a society be okay with companies making things like cigarettes and not do anything about them chaining people to such an evil addiction that will almost surely kill them and definitely make them feel like crap. I am really really wishing I had never started smoking right now.

Test 1 Passed - Day 16 Quit/Day 23 Chantix

Well I made it through an evening of watching other people smoke. I had one drink and ate dinner and sat out on the patio with all of the smokers chatting. There were a couple slight urges but it was actually better than I had been during my evil morning the other day. What did have me a bit worried was that when I first walked up to join them his friend was smoking and I had to admit to myself that somehow for the first time I actually did find a little bit of pleasure in the smell of the smoke. ACK!! That feeling went away quickly however and by the end of the evening I barely noticed the people smoking around me as I was involved in chatting with friends.

Even given my success last night I don't think I am quite ready to head down to my favorite smoky bar and play a game of pool. I am beginning to wonder if that is something I will ever be willing to risk again. I don't want to ever smoke again and I suppose if that means giving up some of my favorite things that I am willing to pay that price. I just hope I won't have to.

As to how I am feeling with the lower Chantix dose. All seems to be going okay as I said last night was okay and I feel pretty good this morning. The urges may be slightly stronger but they still go away just as quickly and I am not so sure their increase is due to the lower dose and not the increased stress in my life and the tempting situations I have placed myself in.

My last Chantix was taken around 4 pm yesterday. I will probably take my next dose around the same time today.

Test Time!!

Well... I suppose it was inevitable given my lifestyle etc. New boy just invited me to go down to a local bar (non-smoking) and have a drink with him and meet a bunch of his friends and his ex...

I have a feeling this will be a true test of my will to not smoke. And it would be on the day I picked to cut back my Chantix dose. Gonna actually cut up a straw or something to chew on and bring gum and I think I won't drink at all.

So here is my promise to myself.... I will not smoke tonight no matter what or how bad I want to.

Am I Crazy?? 2 WEEKS Quit/Day 22 Chantix

So... I got home for lunch today planning to take my morning pill with a bit of yogurt or something (was planning on it being the only pill today). When I left this morning my new friend was still sleeping and was still there when I got home for lunch so I spent the first hour or so of my break waking him up.

I then got myself a bowl of yogurt and some water and tried to take a couple bites but for some reason just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just really didn't feel like eating it nor did I particularly feel like taking my pill; so I didn't.

I know bad bad Lakasha... but I figure I will get something else to eat after work today and take the pill then so at around 3:30. I haven't thought of smoking all day or had any urges so I think I will be okay. I wonder if I can just take one pill a day "at some point". I know already rebeling with so few quit weeks behind me but... I only have one packet of Chantix left and ideally I won't have to buy a whole nother month of the stuff because I really don't feel right now like I need another months worth... we shall see I guess.

Food... - Day 14 Quit/Day 21 Chantix

So.. I don't know if it is the actual quit, the excersise or just the ability to taste food again but I find myself eating WAY more than I ever used to. It isn't like I am not full or I am using the food as a substitute when I want to smoke. I have always liked eating but I seem to be enjoying food far more than ever before. I know I mentioned this a couple times but it does concern me. I really don't want to end up gaining tons of weight. I have never had to do the portion control thing before and have no idea how to go about it but I guess I will have to learn.

Doing well for the most part.. this morning was super tough as both my unwanted house guest and my son decided to sleep in and be late for work. I had to wake them both up and it annoyed me beyond belief. I don't need nor want 2 children that I have to take care of. By the time I got in my car to drive to work I was so frustrated that had there been a smoke around I am pretty sure I would have caved. Fortunatly there wasn't and I have made it through the first half of my day without smoking or killing anybody...

Hoping for a better 2nd half of my day.

Back at Work - Day 13 Quit/Day 20 Chantix

Well I am back at work today for the first time in what feels like forever. I will be starting my 2nd week of non-smoking tomorrow. For some reason right now I am getting fairly strong urges to smoke. I could leave work right now but I am putting it off so I don't have to get in my car like this. I am drinking water. My stomach is growling a bit as if I am hungry which I definetly shouldn't be as I ate a sandwich at lunch time which is more than I usually do.

I am planning to go to a Women with Weights class at the YMCA for the first time today at 5:45 and was kind of planning on staying away from my house until afterwards.

The staying away from my house thing comes from the increasinly unwanted houseguest on my couch. I have never been very good at confrontation so I still haven't said anything to her but for %^#%$# sake I told her she could crash on the couch for a couple days back at the end of April and she has been there ever since. She doesn't give me any money and when I got back from my camping trip my whole fucking house smelt like cigarette smoke. I think she doesn't realize (anymore than I did) how much it stinks to someone who is not smoking. She probably thought I wouldn't notice if she smoked a couple inside while I was gone. I noticed!! Not to mention she slept on my couch yesterday until well after 4pm... there are things I would like to do in my house ya know. I love this girl and she is a good friend but I cherish my space as well and I am going a bit insane at this point.

Trying to come up with non-confrontational ways to tell her it is time to go isn't working out so well for me at this point as I clearly haven't come up with anything. r

I'm Back!! Update - Day 12 Quit/Day 19 Chantix

Sorry to have disappeared for so long and caused people to worry. I am indeed still not smoking. I am now on day 12 without a single puff. So what have I been up to? Well I met a new boy just before my quit day and he kept me quite entertained for a while. He even decided to join me in quitting smoking so I have had a RL quit buddy, which has been pretty nice. (The friend sleeping on my couch was going to quit as well but she only lasted like 2 days). The 4^th of July was a bit rough as I would normally have spent it with all of my smoking friends but instead came home after the fireworks with new boy. I left the next morning to go camping on the coast and didn’t get back till last night. My first non-smoking camping trip!! Go Me… I thought it was going to be much rougher than it was. I also thought having a whole week off work would be a lot tougher. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a cakewalk but hey I made it.

There have been a couple times I have been sorely tempted and I have certainly had ample opportunities but I don’t want to give up the days I have already put into this so I have basically just sucked it up and moved forward. There is still this evil little voice in my head trying to convince me that I could have “just one” and be fine but for me the biggest motivation to not smoking has been that I haven’t cheated this time and I fear that even one puff would lose that motivation for me if that makes any sense.

My sister is still currently smoking though she really wants to go on Chantix and quit as well. She has her prescription filled but she is still breastfeeding so isn’t supposed to take it yet. Her husband also quit using Chantix. During our camping trip she was telling me that on one particularly stressful day about 2 weeks or so into his quit he did have one cigarette and that he said it had no effect on him whatsoever. I know she was trying to make me feel less stressed but in some ways it makes it harder not to listen to that little demon telling me I can have just one.

Now on to the most disturbing factor of this whole quit. Not that I hadn’t heard you may gain weight but I assumed that wouldn’t apply to me. I have always been fairly thin and have had problems trying to gain weight; I have weighed 118 lbs for the last 15 years with the most fluctuation ever being only + or – 3 lbs. Even when I was pregnant I only gained like 29 lbs. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I have gained almost 10 lbs since I quit. It is showing in my waist size ACK!!! My baggie jeans now fit me and I can’t even bring myself to try on my favorite pair of jeans for fear they won’t button and I will go into an absolute panic attack. I know I have been eating a lot more but SO!!! I have been eating healthy food and I have been exercising. What the fuck!! Looks like I may have to go on a diet or something? Just not cool at all. I would love any suggestions here, as I have to eat at least the 2 meals a day to take my Chantix. Think the eating of breakfast regularly, which I never did before could have caused that kind of dramatic weight gain?

As to the Chantix itself one little note. On Friday night while camping I forgot to take my Chantix all together. Didn’t even realize it till I woke up Saturday morning and I certainly didn’t have any greater cravings on Friday night than the rest of the weekend. Last night I wasn’t able to take it till like 1 am. So I am thinking I will at the very least cut down my intake in the next couple days. I have also been toying around with the idea of simply taking one pill around lunchtime. What are all your thoughts?